Erotic funny stories from life to tears. Hilarious stories and real stories. Bitter pepper
Correct motivation)))
Daughter, 14 years old, categorically did not want to clean the room. Already how many times I spoke to her, swore - to no purpose. Has connected her husband. One day at dinner he said, without taking his eyes off the TV:
Daughter, my mother and I decided that now I will clean your room.
I just freaked out, my daughter can't believe her happiness. But the husband has not finished yet and casually continues:
I'll start tomorrow ... I will clean up your desk, make your bed, tidy up your closet. I am sure that I will not find anything unusual there.
Here the daughter's face is sharply twisted, the borscht has already gone through his nose. For a month now she has been keeping the room perfectly clean. The husband just, an infection, does not give up that there is such an unusual hidden in his daughter's room.
Baba Halka
Solving the scanword. Question: Baba-Halka is written in two words in a column, 5 letters. Day I thought, I tried everything, I already came to my friend with a scanword, they thought with her, thought, they also did not come up with anything. Well, the Hulk does not have a woman of 5 letters and that's it! And a friend's nephew was just visiting, about ten years old, well, we show him a question in a scanword, and he immediately answers us:
What does the fireworks have to do with it?
To which the child replied:
Well, how and, here it is written babAkhalka!
Guessing
The son of my friend sits blindfolded. Parents give him various objects, and he guesses.
Pencil.
Correctly.
Correctly.
Typewriter.
Correctly.
Then dad put a sock in his hands, the son thought for a long time, then he says:
After thinking a little more, he sniffed and says:
Doors knob
Friends in the toilet had a broken door handle. In fact, there was simply no handle, and instead there was just a square hole in the lock. They kept a spoon in the toilet so that they could insert it with the reverse flat end from the inside into the hole and twist it instead of the handle. Once the guests gathered in the apartment, someone went to the toilet, and suddenly a cry from the toilet in silence:
Where is the spoon ?!
Those who were there for the first time laughed for a long time.
Lucky case
Vadik, do you remember how we met by chance?
I remember, I remember, dear ...
At first we met on the train, they didn't even write down the phone numbers, then I looked for you on Vkontakte, but didn't find, and then we met by chance between the couples ...
Yes, lucky, what can you say ...
Let him think that this is an accident. I won’t tell her that on the train I managed to photograph her, find Vkontakte, find out her name and surname, go to her faculty, find out the group and class schedule and at the right time already stand and smoke on the porch educational buildingwhen her pair ended ...
We play the horse
We played a horse with our son. I rolled it around my neck until I hit my little finger on the nightstand. This great rider got off me and asks:
Horse, does it hurt a lot?
Can't you ride me anymore?
I can not.
Sorry. We'll have to shoot.
I love you so much…
Spanked my four-year-old daughter today for pampering. After some time, she comes up to me, climbs onto her knees, hugs my cheeks, kisses my nose, in the eyes and says to me:
I love you so much…
I bloomed all over. I sit smiling and here, she tells me:
It's not a shame now that such a little girl loves you so much, and you fuck her, fuck her!
Gold plated handle
One friend told me. He walked home from work, carried a can of gold paint in his bag - he decorated the stand at work. And now a gypsy approaches him and impudently demands:
And gold the handle!
Semi-terminator
Right now I went to the cardio center. We hung up a device for daily pressure measurement. The cuff on the arm and the motor in the purse. Periodically measures the pressure.
On the way back, we got to the bottom of some two types - well, like, who is, where, is there a little thing? In general, we are standing, talking, the situation is heating up, and then this motor began to hum - to swing the cuff. I straightened up from surprise and froze (I forgot something about him). These two types also stared at me in a daze - suddenly the buzzing began and the left hand was pumping up before our eyes! Then the motor stalled and I, in the voice of a robot, with a glazed look into nowhere, give out:
Combat mode is on.
HOW THEY FUCKED @ FALL! IT WAS TO SEE! ...
Logically
I remember, in the first year, we had such a subject - logic, taught by a blonde. And when she asked at the first seminar: "Do you have any questions?" Of course, I valiantly raised my hand and charged: "Is it true that logic and women are not compatible things?"
And how did it end?
It ended quite logically: then I went to retake 8 times.
Good deeds
My wife and I left the store, and on the steps there was a kitten, very cute. Wife in a tender voice:
How cute ... Let's rip his head off.
People around began to worry and turn around until we got the fish out of the bag.
What happened?
Yesterday I bought my wife an expensive ring. Just like that, from an excess of feelings. The first thing she asked was, “What happened? Tell me the truth, even the worst! Stole something? Cheated on me?". Now he sits in the corner, sulking, thinking that I am hiding something. I wish I bought her a frying pan!
Present
Mom's colleague's friends got a vibrator for her birthday. An intelligent lady thought and thought where to apply it and eventually took it to the dacha, stuck it in the ground - all the moles were gone!
Argued
My mother and I argued that it was unrealistic to commit suicide in a mental hospital, like soft walls and all that. I said that you can rip out a lock of hair and choke on it! Tomorrow we go to a psychiatrist ...
Final scene from "The Inspector General"
Recently I decided to go left from my wife. I went to my friend's house. Summer, heat ... After sex I went out to the balcony in shorts to smoke. Mother-in-law and father-in-law stood on the next balcony: they came to visit some of their friends. The final scene from Nikolai Gogol's "The Inspector General" ...
Animal lover
Yesterday I went to the Bird Market, saw the following picture: my mother drags her son by the hood and shouts:
-… there are two cats, three dogs in the apartment, what the fuck is an eagle ?!
The worst thing in the book
I decided to wipe the bookshelf on the weekend, go through books, all that, I sent my husband and son for a walk. And suddenly something black falls on me from the books, runs across the carpet and hides under the sofa! My scream was probably heard in the next block. It turned out, her mother, a wheel from a children's car!
The most original congratulations
In our firm, two employees got married on the same day. The personnel department, as always, distinguished itself with its intelligence and ingenuity, hanging the most original congratulations at the entrance:
Congratulations to Dmitry and Vladimir on their legal marriage!
Bitter pepper?
Yesterday I was at the market, Dad sent for the capsicum. I go up to the granny and ask:
- Bitter pepper?
Son, bitter, take it!
Well, here I ask:
Can you try?
Yes of course!
I bite off a small piece ... I almost got steam from my ears, my brain EXPLODED with such bitterness !!! Well, here I think, let me be funny, I will say that it is not bitter. I throw it back, without giving a look, I make a dull face, - I say that it is not bitter. Granny without thinking for a long time:
How so, I tried it myself! - and bites off half and begins to chew ...
I went to take out the trash. I think I'll wait a minute.
A neighbor comes out, silently lights a cigarette, we stood with him in complete silence.
He throws the cigarette butt and says: - That's it, Andryukha, garbage!
Almost all more or less educated people know about the placebo effect, and fortunately, not all of the uneducated ... He tortured my distant relative with complaints about his health (it hurts here, and here it hurts, and the pressure jumps, and the pulse is increased, and breathless, and the stomach hurts, and the head - in short, everything hurts, including the prosthesis on the right leg) seventy-year-old relative. Endless phone complaints every night. The husband of my acquaintance was so tired of hearing these complaints from a completely healthy-looking relative of his wife who did not look seventy, that he went to the pharmacy, bought ordinary calcium glucanate, put it in a bottle with an inscription in a language other than ours, downloaded the instructions for the laxative on the Internet. in the same language, put the bottle and this instruction in a colorful box with an inscription in the same overseas language, photographed the packaging, and showed the photo to his father-in-law, saying that this new experimental miracle drug costs a lot of money (731 dollars, which is 28 thousand 509 rubles per pack - and this is four father-in-law's pensions), and that this medicine can be found so far only in Europe, in Germany, where a work colleague is now on a business trip, and he will buy it and bring it in ten days, the money has already been transferred to him the card, money does not need to be returned to the father-in-law - this is a gift.
All these ten days, the father-in-law asked when, at last, they would bring these miracle pills, without which he dies. In short, my father-in-law drank 20 tablets of harmless calcium glucanate and became like a young boy: nothing hurts, my heart does not ache, my pulse does not jump, my breath does not catch. At his summer cottage he works like a tractor - you can't keep up. By the way, he has education, four classes and a corridor with an average mark in the certificate of two plus.
And then my wife's friend of about forty-five fell ill - the symptoms are the same - it hurts all the time. And the same endless complaints every night on the phone. I take it and advise to carry out the same operation "placebo" for the urgent cure of a friend.
A-ha! the wrong one was attacked! This friend is with higher education - not by bast and not done with a finger - sat down at the dictionary and translated the instructions! What happened to her! In short, the whole placebo effect is down the drain. And his wife - repeatedly expressed grievances for a strange joke.
Moral - if you want to be cured, do not show off your higher education, but believe - and get well. A seventy-year-old student has been cured!
By the way, the drug Obecalp appeared in American pharmacies a few years ago (Placebo is the opposite). Apparently, the "placebo" also affects the bourgeoisie ... Also, apparently, they did not study well at school ...
Got into an accident. An eagle flew into us in a jeep, we were turned around and thrown into the oncoming lane. boro.da33.ru
Everyone is alive (oddly enough), but the car cannot be restored.
Usually in such situations they shout: - Oh May year, oh May year!
And our Lyokha, after 10 seconds of silence, said in a calm tone: Bl @ t, the cigarette flew away somewhere ... the last one was.
We are sitting in a male company over a cup of tea. The conversation, as always, smoothly turned to women.
One says: - Damn, only money is required: massage, fitness, hair, build nails, solarium, shopping ... I don't follow the car as much as she does herself ...
- If your wife suddenly began to look after herself, then you should watch your wife, - I said, and bit my sharp tongue ... because he recently changed his car and wife ... in this sequence ... and both are new models ... one dear, the other is young ...
The man somehow looked at me thoughtfully ... and after five minutes he was suddenly going home.
He joked, it's called ... spoiled another's mood ... maybe she is not only young, but also faithful ...
The admin arrives, looks at the server, and asks:
- Here was the server, where is it?
- Which server?
- Here was the server, where is it?
- Oh, there was a computer here, no one was working behind it, well, we sent it to an orphanage.
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We were lying in the bedroom with my wife yesterday, early evening. We are watching TV ... Suddenly, in the kitchen there is a clink of either forks or spoons - of course, the cat is on the cutting table! What is punishable in our family. Well, I blow up like "Schaaazz" and run, softly, into the kitchen. And this is for three rooms, with a turn. Wife after: "You will catch, sweep the asshole!" I don't know what my mother-in-law thought, but she was rushing about the kitchen ...
--//---
A friend told. She sat with a runny nose in the office. She works, sniffs ... Then compassionate colleagues began to suggest to her various folk remedies how to get rid of a cold. There is a heated discussion of different methods and recipes. One employee jokingly told her: (well, in the sense of a man in bed). Like this thing helps very well. Like this thing helps very well. And then another employee gave out, who had not previously taken part in the conversation and did not delve into it: "Why on the whole body ??? You can just put eggs on your nose !!!"
---//---
Echoes of cellular communication ... I was standing at the entrance, on the intercom I dialed the apartment number (again: intercom). The call went. I'm waiting. - Hello. Who's there? - Dad, it's me, Igor. - Oh! Igor, hello! Where are you now?..
---//----
Approaching one well-known clothing market, I observed the following picture: A pretty slender brunette was walking towards the exit with a flying gait, carrying on her shoulder a two-meter square cardboard package (!! the sellers smoking on the sidelines could not resist a snide comment: "Girl, is this a mast or a pole?"
---//----
The friends had a parrot of the "macaw" breed, it is so big, beautiful with a huge beak. And it so happened that it was necessary to leave and the bird was attached to one comrade for a while, and that one had a cat who considered himself the main, if not in the world, then in the apartment for sure. The parrot was brought in a cage, put on the table and the cat immediately took a very hostile position, began to rush to the cage, threaten in every possible way, etc. But since the parrot is not a canary, and his beak is serious, the current owner decided to open the cage and see what will happen. The cage was opened, the parrot went out and went to the cat, the cat first was hair on end, into battle, but then somehow he wilted and began to slowly move backwards, and the parrot must be aware of it, the cat rested its back on the wall, the parrot approached him in a tight and asked (it turns out he was speaking): "Would you like some tea?" The cat sat under the sofa for three days.
---//----
I work in a fire station. We receive a call - like a hut is on fire at this address .. we leave, knock out windows, doors and extinguish. In reality, we managed to save little, the wallpaper and if it didn’t burn out, then everything that could be said about furniture was smoked ... It seems we overcame the mustache, we bring it down to the exit .. we pass the bath, judging by the sounds there is someone there. We break open the door .. Kick !!! There people in the bathroom splashing, stoned in shit ... rubber ducklings bathe, chatting with them .. We are in shock, he too. Wrapped up in a towel comes out, examines the burnt, smoky walls and indignantly gives out: "B ... I, nah. I got stomped here!"
----//----
Katya's parents drove off to the dacha and invited Katya Vasya to visit. And so Vasya, having made his beloved well, as he was in negligee, stomped into the toilet, and Katerina, being a clean girl, stomped into the bathroom ... At this time, Katya's parents either forgot something, or changed their minds to go, returned. ..And then the story from the first, which is important, Vasya's face: "I sit in the toilet, I don't bother anyone ... the door opens here, I raise my head and see ... Katya's dad ... in 2-3 seconds a stupor with I am falling down and I ask how it seemed to me then the most natural question after opening the door: "Hello, is Katya HOME ???" Dad turned out to be humorous, he almost sobbed with laughter, said: "She is in the bathroom, come back later ", - and closed the door ...
Riding on a packed bus, holding onto the handrail. A woman of about thirty comes in at the bus stop. She was wearing a white blouse with about a hundred cartoon cats drawn on it. She stood by. Let's go. A girl of about five sits opposite us and talks to her grandmother quite loudly.
- Bah, look, kitties!
- Yeah.
- Why so many pussies to your aunt? (continues to drill his aunt's blouse with his eyes)
- Well, my aunt is probably very fond of kitties.
- No-no. Not so ... Kitties love to be played with. Aunt probably also loves to be played with.
The woman blushes instantly, a smile spreads across her face. And then she laughs. Instantly, the passengers on the bus start laughing too. And so we drove to a stop amid wild laughter.
Case two
Coming back from work. I eavesdrop on the dialogue between my son and my mother.
- Well buy it!
- Not!
- Oh please!
- I said ... No-no!
- Then I'll tell grandmother that dad climbed on you and jumped, and you groaned.
Mom's eyes almost bulged out of shame and surprise. She grabbed the child, ran to the door and pressed the "stop request" button. The driver stopped a minute later. A mother and son jumped out of the bus with a bullet and began to scold the child right at the bus stop.
Case three
I drive to work, two kids are telling scary stories in the next seat. One says in a conspiratorial tone: "Once, in the Cier-Cier City, on the Cier-Cier Street, in the Cier-Cier House, a CER-CER man lived ...". At this moment, an uncle, dressed in a black raincoat and a black hat, enters the bus ... Both kids are terrified as they will scream with fear ... The parents laugh softly. The guy is shocked. And I have a smile all over my face.
These are such short but rather amusing cases that happened to young children on public transport. Have you found yourself in similar situations?
Got smart, problems attract
I have one comrade who loves to get into history. So at first I could not understand how he contrives so. And then I realized.
Once we went with him to the store together. We bought some food of all kinds, and he took himself a pack of cigarettes. And they asked for his passport. I don't know why. He was just 27 then, and the beard is already healthy. But okay, I would show you what's wrong with that.
And he rested, in short, a horn and said: yes, look, I have a beard! And what do you think he got stuck because he didn't have a passport? But no, it was. I don’t know if he was too lazy to get into his pocket or something.
In general, he got into a scandal to the point that the seller in the store called the police. Now the police have arrived, took him to the side - and at the same time - and they are asking for passports. Well, at this point he didn't talk about the beard, and thanks for that.
They asked to show what was in their pockets. We spread the keys, little change, all that. The policeman, I see, is in a peaceful mood, just doing his job.
And my friend takes it and says: “What, are you looking for drugs? So it's not in your pockets to look for, but in your socks! "
I just have a facepalm. I think: "oh fool-a-ak ..."
In general, they took him to the car and really searched him to his shorts. They did not find drugs, but they hung up moral people so as not to be clever.
I was frankly glad that I was not flown in for the company. And I also understood how such people get involved in history.
In general, this is what I mean. If you were asked for a passport, you don't need to tell that you have a beard. Show your passport better, or just politely explain that he is not with you, if not. And if suddenly it so happened that the police are searching you, you do not need to tell them where to look for drugs “correctly”. Otherwise they will use the advice. They will not find it, but you will lose time. Do you need it?
He: - You are so beautiful! I would like to paint your portrait.
She: - Are you an artist?
“No,” he answered honestly. - But, believe me, at this moment I would like to be.
The woman laughed, and ... As a result, their laughter brought them closer ...
"Plato is my friend but the truth is dearer…"
Truth is just what is considered true at a given moment in time, which means that truth is a function of time. Remember Newton's laws of motion, and Einstein's laws, when Newton's laws of motion turned out to be a special case of Einstein's laws. So at the next moment in time, the truth will be different, and you will already lose a friend. Choose which is more expensive ...
That was a long time ago. I am walking with my daughter (she was 5 years old), a man is walking in front of us.
- Dad, did your uncle go to get married?
- Why did you decide this?
- So he has candy and wine!
He looked at the man - indeed, he was getting married: in his hands - a box of sweets and a bottle of vodka!
The one that ignites my soul, leaves my brain and body indifferent.
The one that explodes my brain, my body and soul do not notice.
The one that excites my body does not ignite my soul and brain.
But ... the body still cherishes a secret thought:
- Damn, well, when these two fastidious get drunk, and I'll finally fuck her!
During Gorbachev's anti-alcohol campaign (who does not know - then even weddings were "non-alcoholic": in bottles from under mineral water they poured vodka so that no one would guess that this song was about love) employees came to the head of a small organization and asked if it was possible to organize a feast after work. The boss said sternly:
- No you can not.
And when the gloomy employees reached for the exit, he added.
"But when you've set the tables, don't forget to invite me too."
As the saying goes, “if you can't, but you really want to, then you can.” The boss was a wise one, he understood that secretaries general were running out, but vodka never ...
A colleague told the following story.
The grandmother died first, and a few years later the grandfather, dying, said:
- Don't bury me next to my grandmother! Only at the other end of the cemetery.
How did she, apparently, get him, if even death did not part them ...
One:
- Honestly, this is already lawlessness (the conversation was about the police) ...
Other:
- Why are you surprised? It is beneficial for the people to be afraid of someone ... No reprisals are needed, no thirty-seventh year is needed ... if everyone knows that there is no one to turn to for help, then he lives quietly, not sticking out and not shaking his rights ... or maybe to be found on the street with a broken head ... from an unknown hooligan ...
I:
- Does each time have its own methods of influencing the people?
To be honest, I didn’t say that, I just thought, I didn’t get involved in the discussion - strangers probably got cold feet, after all… apparently fear remained in the gene memory. Or is it just that the recently read phrase of Mark Twain is fresh in my memory “By the grace of God in our country there are such invaluable benefits as freedom of speech, freedom of conscience and prudence never to use these benefits” ...
By the way, about gene memory, how it is passed on to the next generation: an acquaintance told me that during the Khrushchev thaw, his mother strictly ordered him, then a six-year-old child, in no case in the toilet not to use a newspaper with a portrait of the new secretary general (for the younger generation explanation - there was no toilet paper then, and everyone used newspapers for this purpose - at least some benefit from them was ...)
Type of excursion. On the bus across from me is a middle-aged couple. He is silent. She - without interruption:
- Oh, Sanya, look what a beautiful house. Would you like the same?
- Oh, Sanya, look what a beautiful car! Probably dear.
- Oh, San, what a dirty dog! Probably homeless ...
- Oh, San, what a tall tree! Probably old ...
- Oh, Sanya, look, the truck fell into a ditch! The driver must have fallen asleep ...
As a Chukchi - what I see is what I sing! What is interesting - the peasant doesn't care what she talks about ... Idyll!
A young woman in a white bikini is standing in a swimwear shop. A middle-aged woman enters with a seventeen-eighteen-year-old daughter. Daughter, looking enviously at a woman in a white bikini:
- Mom-ah-ah, I want the same bath-and-hic!
Mom turns, carefully examines the young woman and briefly says to her daughter:
- This is not a swimsuit!
A young, and, apparently, poorly educated woman at a party, that is, in the presence of many people, in response to her husband's remark in a general conversation, threw in his direction: "You have always been an idiot!"
The guy left in shame, almost slamming the door. As it turned out later, she wanted to say that he is always critical of everything ... That is, she wanted to tell him - you have always been a CRITIC. And even then, after he showed her the meanings of these words in the explanatory dictionary. Well, okay, she explained to him what she wanted to say and who would explain to the rest of the guests. Did she catch them one by one and provide them with a written rebuttal?
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