Excellent student's complex.

One very wise man said: "Only fools and excellent students are round, and more often than not in one person."

The problems of a modern school are seen in different ways by parents, teachers, sanitary and epidemiological stations, education officials, students ... For example, I see this.

The girl answers at the blackboard, solves the problem. Her hands are trembling, the chalk crumbles in her fingers, she turns red and then turns white, her forehead is sweating, her face is miserable. Her voice is interrupted and rattles unnaturally. She is afraid to make mistakes. I solved the problem correctly.

Having learned his assessment, he sighs with relief ...

The boy sits sprawling, he is all hung with crosses, skulls, chains and something else. He was transferred to home schooling, and this turned out to be a salvation for him. He does not remember the formulas, he does not show a desire to learn, the teacher has to work hard to discover at least some knowledge in physics from him.

He is not afraid to make a mistake, but, having learned his assessment, he also sighs with relief ...
She graduated from high school with a medal and entered a prestigious university.

After the 9th grade, he went to work as a mechanic.

Big question, which of them will be better versed in physics in "adult" life. But these students have something in common: they did not study for the sake of knowledge, but for the sake of grades.

What was being studied did not bother her or him. If a child is interested in what he is studying, if he is curious and passionate about his studies, then his assessment, by and large, is not so important. It is only a pointer: is the process of cognition proceeding correctly? Knowledge for him is of value in itself, he does not need any additional incentives to study. Happy are those parents and teachers whose children learn in this way. Unfortunately, there are fewer such students than we would like. Most are looking for an incentive to study.
The incentives can be very different. Some study because without a certificate of education, they cannot take the place in life that they (or their parents) have planned for themselves. Others go to school because they were ordered by their parents, so as not to upset them, good children study obediently. Some people like to get good grades, they collect them, and they get very upset when a triple suddenly appears in a diary with only A's in the week ...

It should be recognized that students who are trying for the sake of assessment, i.e. for the sake of momentary recognition of their success, much more than those who are interested in knowledge in itself.

This may be controversial, but, in my opinion, assessment as a goal of learning is a false incentive. A person does not care that a huge, diverse world in its manifestations can be cognized. He is not surprised that all bodies fall down, that another substance can be obtained from one substance, that one can talk with a friend who is a hundred kilometers away, he is not pleased with the beauty and laconicism of the mathematical formula. He is not amazed by the depth of Natasha Rostova's feelings and the integrity of Tatyana Larina's nature. He only cares about the assessment, i.e. the number that the teacher will write in the journal opposite his name. From such a student, most likely, a limited person will grow, knowing almost nothing and almost not interested in anything, except for what he does professionally.
There are several reasons for this attitude towards evaluation. Firstly, it is “economic”. Assessment is in the eyes of students a kind of currency in which they receive their “piecework salary” for their studies. The fact that education is free in our country is being put upside down, and that the students would have to pay for what they are taught. But it is impossible to deny that study is hard work, such a point of view will surely arise if the parents do not fight it with special educational measures. And the parents are former students themselves and reason in the same way. The second reason is "laconic". Teachers, along with parents, also help ensure that the grade is more important than what it is for. The parent looked at the school for 5 minutes (he is in a hurry, he needs to go to work): "How's mine?" Teacher (he is also in a hurry, the break is over, and he needs to prepare the laboratory): "For a three" - "And for a four by the end of the quarter?" - "Will pull if he tries." So we talked. Well, even so, some parents do not go to school for years. But it would be necessary to choose the time, sit quietly, look at the student's work, analyze them, understand what exactly his gaps are, what formulas he has not learned, what topics he has not mastered, what additional books are worth reading to interest him. This happens, unfortunately, much less often. It is easier to learn the grade than to delve into the complexity of the topic being studied by the child. Another problem of school grades is psychological and social. Children are very worried about poor grades, because getting them is fraught with trouble. In a modern school there is a three-point grading system: "5", "4" and "3". Since deuces and ones are not put in graduation documents, it should be recognized that "2" is not a grade, but a kind of scarecrow with which the teacher punishes a negligent student. Either study well, or I will put "2" - and in the second year. Conclusion: we get a child with an "excellent student" complex ...

To see your child in the ranks of excellent students - cherished dream many parents. Raising toasts on the birthdays of their beloved children, they wish the same thing. I wish you health, of course, obedience and excellent study. If with the first everything seems to be clear, then with everything else there are many difficulties. Is the life of excellent students and their parents so cloudless? Anna F. is a former medalist. She graduated from a prestigious university with honors. Teachers and relatives predicted a dizzying career for her and the brightest future. But nothing of the kind happened. She could not work in her specialty. Personal life did not work out. Few were suitable for the role of the life partner of such a "brilliant" person. The bar for selecting candidates was too high. Learning habit helped. The woman mastered a foreign language, but it was not possible to put his knowledge into practice. She is a tutor, gets some money, and feels extremely empty in front and around. Unfortunately, Anna's case is far from typical. A child who does not attract the attention of adults with bad grades and bad company gives the impression of being quite happy.
So who are they, excellent students? Should I be glad that your child is a "round" excellent student?
It is not uncommon for an "excellent student" to be an alarm signal that remains unnoticed for external well-being. The parents of such children can face a number of serious problems.
1. "Escape to the Five". Representatives of this kind of excellent students often receive the nickname "nerd". The child does not know how to build relationships with his peers. The mechanism of social adaptation is not formed in him. Excellent grades for him are protection. By grades, he moves away from his peers. The child creates a working legend for himself. “I'm smart. - he says to himself, - They are fools. Everyone envies me. So I am alone. " The problem is aggravated by the fact that the parents of such a child themselves believe in this explanation, moreover, they also instill it in him. Such a person develops a negative attitude towards the entire external world. And this negative can manifest itself in two forms. In one case, the child creates his own world from abstract knowledge. For him, acquiring knowledge becomes an end in itself, and he is not going to apply it anywhere. He uses them to build a wall to isolate him from those around him.

In another case, the role of this very wall is played by the assessments themselves.

2. "Evaluative neurosis" In this case, a person becomes dependent on the assessments he receives. And not only school students. The feeling of temporary comfort comes only when it is evaluated positively by others. He needs constant confirmation of his own solvency and usefulness from the outside. The reason for this "neurosis" can be both low self-esteem, an inferiority complex, and the method of education in the parental family. Most often this is the so-called "carrot and stick" method. When positive emotions are associated exclusively with positive assessments of the child's actions, and rejection of him as a person.
3. "Showcase". This variant of the "excellent student" is close to the "evaluative neurosis". The difference is that the child comes to this option on his own. For him, this is an easy way to establish himself among others. They have no conflict with their peers - they let them write off the tests. They are in good standing with the teachers. They actively participate in the social life of the school. And they all seem to be in perfect order. Although this is far from the case. They are too attached to external situational circumstances. Their inner potential is not high. If such a person finds himself in a situation where he cannot prove himself as an "excellent student", he experiences severe stress. It is clear that he seeks to avoid such a shock, and with it a stressful situation. And stress for him will be any change in his usual way of life, actions, activities, environment. Such a person "gets stuck" in the familiar, does not adapt well to the new, avoids any development and change

4. "Family excellent student". He constantly carries the "cross" of his distinguished family. He is surrounded by famous grandfather and grandmother, brilliant mom and dad, and promising brothers and sisters. At the school, university where he studies, everyone remembers the merits of his brilliant relatives. Neither personality, interests, nor individuality are taken into account. He is always "secondary" to his family members. His task is not to achieve something, but not to "shame". All this translates into either apathy or a revolt against "family values."

By the way, it is this category of "excellent students" that most often becomes regulars at drug treatment clinics.
5. "Temporary excellent student". Smart kids fall into this category. Everything with them is just wonderful: loving, caring parents, full of friends, learning is easy for them, teachers simply adore them, they are the soul of the company. Everything is joyful and cloudless. But a person quickly gets used to good things. And soon they begin to think that it should be so. That they are the chosen ones and darlings of fate. And when it comes time to move to a new step in life, they simply find themselves unable to take the next step. They were so good and comfortable before that there is no need to change anything.
From the point of view of psychology, this problem looks something like this: “The concept of an excellent student in a psychological perspective can be viewed from two positions: from the position of the group that perceives the excellent student, and from the position of the excellent student who perceives himself, his status and group. Excellent students - unlike others - people whose behavior and way of thinking are different from others. An excellent student often begins to behave wary of classmates, not trusting them, which further deepens the crack in the relationship, if it already exists. Thus, class-grade antagonism tends to stem from the stereotypes underlying prejudice, which is a by-product of our thinking — a way of simplifying the world around us.Such children become excellent pupils because “because the mother wants it” (or some other significant adult with the psychological function of a Parent). These parents (more often, of course, mothers, because "it is customary for a woman to take care of the child") adhere to the following "logic": "I want to be noticed, and if I have nothing more to stand out, I will stand out as a mother, which for a woman with a child the most acceptable.

And I can best stand out as a mother if my child becomes an excellent student. "
Mom thinks that she (it is her, and not her child) will be praised at all meetings and held as an example to all other parents - somehow forgetting that it is the child who is studying, not the mother! But in our country it is somehow accepted that this is, they say, the merit of the parents first of all (although this is not always so), and if a child does not study well, the parents are "bad", and if it is good and even more excellent, then the parents are "great ", and first of all, of course, mom. Therefore, from an early school age, the child is, as it were, given a condition: "Mom will love you only if you study well." And as a result, any "not excellent" mark (even a good one, not to mention a lower one) for such a child is a severe stress.

Thus, it is possible to speak about the "excellent student's complex" or the "excellent student's syndrome" in the case when the striving for excellent grades somehow hinders a person in life. Strictly speaking, a person with an "excellent student's complex" does not live for himself, but for his assessor, who seems to have (or at least promises) to give him the coveted "five".

If we talk about studying, then sometimes such excellent students who just belong to "mother's joys" adapt at school precisely through excellent studies: for all their "dubiousness" they do not need to come up with some pre-prepared modes of behavior, for now they everything is clear: get A's everywhere - and you will please your parents and teachers. Here I must certainly add that such personalities must certainly have and: in this case, they become dependent precisely on praise, on strokes, on approvals. In general, we can say that without a pronounced hysterical complex, the psychasthenic will not have an excellent student. So, when such an excellent student, for whom his fives is a pre-prepared mode of life ("how to do so that I am not scolded"), comes out of the walls educational institution with the same diploma - in fact, there is no one else to give him more marks. More precisely, not so: in fact, he no longer has a well-intentioned evaluators who are themselves interested in giving him an "excellent" grade.

Generally speaking, the main problem of the excellent student's complex is that people with such a complex "CANNOT FALL". Once at a ski resort, an instructor gathered a group of beginners for the first lesson and said: "Today we will learn ... to fall." And to their disappointed exclamations he replied that the one who does not know how to fall cannot go out on the track. For as soon as he falls (and falls naturally, because there is no experience) - his fall can be the last. And if you learn to fall in advance, then when you fall, then you will get up without unnecessary damage, dust yourself off and go further. This is about the same problem of “inability to fall in terms of grades” faced by “complex excellent students”: they in no area of \u200b\u200blife know how to get twos, threes, fours.

Any mark "not five" is regarded as a failure, defeat. At the same time, the higher the hysteria in such a person, the more violent and pronounced this "excellent assessment" should be: quiet praise may not be noticed.

That is, a person with this complex is often sure that "he gets some cuffs from fate". A "slap" for him is any "not five". Of course, ordinary school grades are not always a sign of an excellent student's complex - as discussed at the very beginning of this material. After all, if these fives are obtained within the framework of some own logic and for the sake of some personal real benefit, it is one thing. If they come out casually - no problem either. But if fives become an end in itself, and everything that is not five, then tragedy is more difficult. After all, there is also the problem of a "notorious excellent student" both in study and in life - sometimes his logic does not work in areas affected by this complex, he simply does not connect: his dependence on excellent grades is emotional, that is to say, is again in the unconscious.

Yes, he can memorize several rules of logic "for life", if this is specifically required by some external evaluator, but most likely he will not be able to consciously APPLY them for himself. And even if it can, they will never be decisive: the first and main system of being will be dependence on evaluations.
However, an excellent student's complex is not at all a life sentence, as, unfortunately, many people often think. And even if it was formed as a result of some influence of the parents, who solved their own problems and tasks in this way, it is also not fatal. Yes, childhood experiences and impressions are of great importance in the formation of the mode of life, but in no way determining. And parental mistakes in upbringing, if you count. that they took place is also not a reason to dwell on the "consequences of these mistakes."

How to get rid of the excellent student's complex?

1. Our capabilities cannot always be the same in everything ... And this is absolutely normal and has no reason for anxiety. We may be inclined towards something more or less. We can have different levels of knowledge in different areas. We may eventually be sick or upset. By doing something beyond their strength, a person is depleted. , which casts doubt on the achievement of the following successes. But doing something less than your capabilities, you also risk being left unsatisfied. There is a recommendation to replace the installation "I have to do this" to a more gentle one - "I can do this."

2.H happy, unfortunate moments as an integral part of our life can be very rewarding for us. Use these periods for analysis situations, actions, as well as for reassessment of some individual vital necessities. You should not be afraid of them, but it is important to pass them for your benefit.

3. Among the recommendations also occurs the method of hard questions to your anxiety about "not ideal" ... When this fear arises, ask yourself a question, for example, "how much the best result is equal to your costs", "how much will it change your life for something better", "is your ideality even capable of making someone love you", "what will happen, unless you do it perfectly, ”and so on.

4. Perfection implies constant control over yourself and over the world around you ... Psychologists recommend thinking how real is it perhaps how much this control is needed by others.

5. Try reconsider the real need for the assessment of others, as well as intolerance of shortcomings ... Accept at least some of your flaws as cute personality traits.

6. Regain within yourself the correct attitude towards assessment. their actions, and not their personality as a whole.

7. Let the desire to get rid of the "excellent pupil" complex be your final task on the "exam" for perfection.

There are perfectionist people who think that if they do not do everything perfectly, then they do not deserve the love and loyalty of others. The reason for this is the syndrome of an excellent student (an excellent student's complex), the prerequisites for which appear in childhood. Dependence on external approval and an eternal sense of duty are the main features of their personality. But such a desire to be significant does not always coincide with the response of society, where everyone is busy with themselves. Therefore, these people often have negative emotions and low self-esteem.

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Psychologists suggest several effective ways get rid of this syndrome.

What is an excellent student's syndrome (excellent student's complex)?

The syndrome of an excellent student (an excellent student's complex), or perfectionism, is the desire to do everything perfectly, to succeed in all areas of life and be sure to receive high marks from others. Most often, women who in childhood were exemplary pupils and comprehensively developed children suffer from this. But this complex is also inherent in males. In the subconscious mind is postponed the installation "I am worthy of love and a good relationship only if I handle everything perfectly." And when it turns out to do not everything, or not as you want, or the efforts go unnoticed, an internal conflict is brewing.

A striking example is women who are struggling to look perfect, to be ideal mothers and housewives, to build a career and further develop. In real life, keeping such a high bar is extremely difficult - not always everything works out and sooner or later fatigue overcomes. Failure to do the assigned tasks properly upsets the person. These experiences are reinforced by the condemnation and disapproval of those around them who are accustomed to "Miss-Do-Everything-And-Do-It-Perfect" and take their achievements for granted and failures as a crime.

Distinctive features of a personality with an excellent student's syndrome (an excellent student's complex) are:

• hyperresponsibility - they take on a lot: upbringing, material well-being, organization of leisure, housekeeping, control of all spheres of life of loved ones, their impeccable appearance;
• perfectionism - everything they do must be done perfectly, according to the bar set by themselves, otherwise they feel oppressed, overwhelmed and incapable of anything, but in the real world, not everything depends on one person and it is not easy to achieve the ideal;
• dependence on the approval of others - every step must be recognized, every achievement must be accompanied by praise, because it seems to people with this complex that without successfully completing all the tasks set, they are not worthy of love, respectively, they do not know how to perceive and appreciate themselves as they are;
• inability to lose - women and men with this syndrome painfully endure situations in which one of their acquaintances turns out to be better, more successful, they are calm only when others are weaker;
• inability to have fun from the heart and laugh at yourself;
• non-perception of criticism from the outside - every comment, even an objective one, reduces self-esteem to a minimum and leads to a depressive state;
• fear of risk - they are afraid to leave their comfort zone and the usual image of a "workhorse", rarely open their own business and start from scratch, move to other places, because then they will not be able to be surrounded by people who know about their reputation. Individuals need to assess themselves, but they do not know how.

Contrary to the desire to be ideal in everything, people with excellent student's syndrome are often less successful than their peers, who relate to life much more simply and from time to time let the situation take its course.

How to deal with anxiety

The reasons for the appearance of the complex

The excellent pupil syndrome is formed in childhood and is associated with the process of socialization. Its main reasons are:

1. 1. Parents and teachers, having poor knowledge in developmental psychology or adopting the experience of their educators, praise the child only for impeccable results, without taking into account individual personality traits. Later, the highest quality performance of any task becomes habitual and they stop praising for this, victories are not discussed as something extraordinary, they seem to be the norm. Therefore, doing everything in the best possible way becomes the norm for the child, other options are not considered.
2. 2. Adults often compare the child to his "more successful" peers, hoping to stimulate his development. To be better than other guys becomes an end in itself, a girl or boy stops enjoying the process of completing the task, the most important thing for them is that the result is the brightest.
3. 3. Adults and peers begin to notice only failures, the first - to criticize and scold for them, the second - to gloat and tease.
4. 4. Parents impose a social circle on the child, picking up a "match" only from among other "successful" children, which subsequently deprives him of the opportunity to choose, and he gets to know only the "right" people.

It is difficult for a perfectionist who is among his own kind to build a sincere trusting relationship with them, because everyone wants to be better than others and communication is reduced to competition.

Abusive relationship

How does the syndrome interfere in adulthood?

The excellent student's complex affects all areas of life and interferes with its normal course. This is expressed in the following problems:

1. 1. At work. It is difficult for a perfectionist to tolerate the success of colleagues, he tries his best to be more successful, which affects the relationship in the team. Such a person is usually taken as an example by the boss, and other employees dislike and discuss behind their backs. Wanting to complete the task perfectly, he stays at work the longest, sacrificing rest and sleep. Individuals with an excellent student's syndrome painfully react not only to criticism, but also to ignorance, perceiving it as an indicator of insufficient quality work performance. Therefore, they often do not like their work and are afraid of some kind of wrap-up meetings, at which they may hear comments or be left unappreciated. In addition, such people are rarely creative and creative, they work within established frameworks and faithfully complete assignments for the sake of approval and recognition.
2. 2. In personal life. More often the syndrome manifests itself in girls - they think that if they do not look perfect, cook like a chef, give gifts and make surprises for the holidays, have enchanting sex, earn on a par with a guy or more and keep the house in perfect order, then they unworthy wives and do not deserve love. All their efforts are aimed only at a positive assessment of the partner. He may not voice it for several reasons: poor upbringing, a mismatch in the spouses' notions of the ideal, dissatisfaction with her actions. In this case, the woman first has an internal conflict based on thoughts of her own imperfection, which turns into scandals "you do not value me and do not love me" or "I am bad and I do everything wrong." It is intensified by constant nervousness due to fatigue, which accumulates in the pursuit of perfection. Men often do not understand why they are criticized so much, they get nervous and in half of the cases get tired of hysterics in an empty (as it seems to them) place and go to more carefree and light girls with whom you can laugh and fool around heartily, eating the sushi delivered by the courier in an apartment with a dirty floor.
3. 3. In raising children. Moms and dads with excellent student syndrome are too demanding of their children. They often compare them with their peers and do everything to make their child better, imposing their ideals on him. They take children to several circles with a firm conviction that this is the way to go, scold them for bad grades and leave the good ones unnoticed. Trying to "comprehensively develop" the baby with the help of a busy schedule of sections and tutors, carefully monitoring the order in the house and success in work, they rarely pay attention to the main thing - sincere communication and care. Children with a strong psyche, when they grow up, present their parents with surprises-protests: communication with children from companies that are undesirable to their parents, adherence to subcultures and sects, bad habits and unexpectedly bold decisions, for example, to leave school or become not what dad and mom want. Children with a weaker psyche themselves acquire excellent student syndrome.
4. 4. In relationships with friends and strangers. The main difficulties in communication that arise in people-perfectionists are based on their insincerity, fears to show their true essence and desire to prove to everyone that they are better. They criticize those who do not meet their requirements and ideals, compete with their own kind, and this repels people. Therefore, they are able to build friendships only with weak, led people who recognize superiority and do not risk criticizing. In a society with strangers who do not know about their past achievements, it is difficult for women and men with excellent student syndrome, and they begin to behave defiantly, talking about their victories and merits, hoping for recognition. In situations where the situation should be relaxed, such individuals cause antipathy and unwillingness to communicate. Any comment or unflattering review is perceived painfully and can ruin the mood for a long time.

Envy it

Ways to get rid of the syndrome

You can get rid of the excellent student's complex on your own or with the help of qualified specialists. In most cases, the consultation of a psychologist is sufficient, but sometimes, if the scale of the problem is large, a psychotherapist may be needed. Most often, the fight against perfectionism includes the following methods:

1. 1. Talk to a psychologist who can help you prioritize and explain why an excessive desire to be ideal in everything not only does not improve life, but also spoils it. He will tell you how to increase self-esteem and get rid of dependence on the opinions of others. Body-oriented psychotherapy is effective in this case. Group and family sessions are recommended. The former allow you to look at people with the same problem from the outside and evaluate yourself more objectively, the latter attract the closest people who help to accept yourself without any achievements. It is important that family members learn to support the perfectionist during times when he is worried or when something goes wrong.
2. 2. Introduce a rule in the family - every day to hug, kiss, confess love and praise for no reason, just because loved ones have each other. It is important for a perfectionist who wants to understand that he can be loved for many things: the ability to listen and support a conversation, for a smile, natural beauty, kindness.
3. 3. One day a week, forget about all the problems and business and just relax: have fun at the rides, watch comedy, lie in bed, go to restaurants or visit friends and relatives.
4. 4. Do something extreme, releasing real emotions.
5. 5. Start something from scratch - master a new profession, get additional education, start your own business. It is important to step over the line, suffer the first failures and realize that there is nothing wrong with them and that they are an integral part of personal development, a necessary experience.
6. 6. You can do art as part of art therapy. Listen to your feelings - if it gives pleasure, then continue to visit the section. Choose from creative people those who are close in spirit, not achievements, and expand your circle of communication with more sincere relationships.
7. 7. Learn to do something for yourself: skip work when you feel unwell, do not submit the report on time because of the desire to get enough sleep. Listening to criticism and discontent from the authorities, you need to think that this is just the opinion of the person in office. Such statements do not characterize a perfectionist as a person, he has the right to act, taking into account his interests. A good practice for a woman will be a "vegetable holiday" on her day off - go to the spa and convince herself that she deserves it like no other, and dirty dishes will not go anywhere and dinner can be ordered with delivery. An effective way will be an artistic nude photo session with a professional. It will help you go beyond, look at yourself from the outside, realize your attractiveness, which helps to increase self-esteem.
8. 8. To radically change the image, abandoning stereotypes. Afro-pigtails, a boy-style haircut, piercings, tattoos, ripped jeans instead of office clothes and other "informal" innovations will help you feel freer and more carefree.

The main thing that a person needs to do with an excellent student's complex is to become the main person for themselves, to be themselves, to understand that there is nothing wrong with shortcomings, otherwise they would not be inherent in absolutely all people. It will become easier to accept and love yourself in any way if you realize that strangers are indifferent to the achievements of a perfectionist.

And a little about secrets ...

I looked at my husband in fascination, and he did not take his admiring eyes off his mistress. He acted like an idiot in love ...

Ilya Bazenkov

Some parents believe that children
like vessels, you can fill your
unfulfilled dreams and aspirations.
Michael Nichols (psychologist)

The essence of the syndrome (complex) of an excellent student is not always to do everything perfectly well, but that the basic need is to get good marks from others.

One of the most common requests to psychologists: how to get rid of the excellent student's complex?

How to stop wanting to be good for everyone in order to get good mark yourself?

First, let's figure out why it occurs. How parents and other adults create an excellent student's syndrome in a child.

A necessary condition for getting rid of the excellent student's syndrome is the awareness of its causes.

So how do adults contribute to this syndrome?

The child came from school.

How are things at school?
- Today I got a four in history.
- How? Why four and not five? You upset me. But Petya only gets five.

The child was cleaning up his room.

Why didn't you put this book on the shelf? I'm not happy with you.

The teenager washed the dishes, but the trouble is - there is a stain on one plate.

Poorly! All dishes should shine! You made me very sad.

And there is also something else.
From day to day, adults inspire the child that he must always be good for everyone, always meet others halfway in order to get a good assessment of himself.

So parents and other adults contribute to the formation of an excellent student's syndrome (complex) in children. And from the best intentions. After all, they want the child to grow up successful, to cope well with his duties, to do everything well and to be no worse, if not better than others.

Studies show that a predisposition to excellent student's syndrome can be congenital, associated with the type of temperament, individual psychophysiological characteristics of a person.

But it arises in childhood as a result of communication between adults (primarily parents) with children. And if in childhood and adolescence, the excellent student's syndrome is often not noticed and is even welcomed by the adults around the child, then in the future it brings significant disharmony to a person's life.

KEY FEATURES OF EXCELLENT SYNDROME

Increased sensitivity to criticism, even if it is minor;
- constant fears of failure, often leading to the refusal of any activity due to the fear of not coping;
- the tendency to often compare oneself with others, to be jealous when they praise not him, but another;
- unstable self-esteem, strongly dependent on the opinions of others;
- the very first failure can cause a depressive mood and refusal of further attempts to continue doing something;
- getting stuck on the experiences of their failures, even minor ones;
- the constant need to meet the expectations of others.

Of course, the severity of the excellent student's syndrome is different. In extreme pathological cases, it is not so common. But even expressed moderately still complicates life, leads to a limitation of one's own capabilities and difficulties in relationships.

TYPICAL PREREQUISITES FOR THE FORMATION OF EXCELLENT SYNDROME

1. The often repeated belief that love must be earned through good deeds. And the “more correct you are,” the more they will love you.

2. One or even several close adult pathological perfectionists striving to raise a child in their own image and likeness.

3. Frequent and strong censure of the child for mistakes and failures. Pushing him to excessive self-criticism, to a style of thinking according to the principle - "if I did the right thing, everything would be fine", "if I tried, then everything would work out", "if I thought it over, everything would turn out differently" ...

4. Too high demands on the child. Parents expect "perfection" from him.

The formation of an excellent student's complex occurs in childhood, and most often begins to manifest itself in early adolescence.

Sometimes the excellent student's syndrome is confused with moderate perfectionism - the desire for an ideal result. Indeed, extreme perfectionism and excellent student syndrome coexist.
But perfectionism, naturally, not expressed in a pathological form, can be quite normal - a person tries to do everything well, to achieve the best result.

And the "excellent student" is not worried about the result itself, but the grade that he will receive, he always needs an A in his life. And as a result, the goal is shifted from the result to the assessment of this result by others.

People suffering from an excellent student complex often turn into a twitchy neurotic who is very uncomfortable with life. He is constantly worried about failures, both imaginary and real. The meaning of his life is to be an excellent student, to get A's at any cost, to fight for them. And if there is a risk of getting a different assessment, then he may not take up the implementation of something, give up for fear of failure to implement his plans, ideas and even career aspirations.

And those around him are not easy with him. How to live and communicate with a person who reacts painfully to any criticism, including falling into depression? And praising other people makes him feel jealous.

Alas, the pursuit of academic results, expressed not in knowledge, but in grades; the vanity of the parents; the perseverance of teachers in the struggle for academic performance all this creates fertile ground for the cultivation of excellent student syndrome. Of course, not all children and adolescents acquire this syndrome, even if the environment contributes to it. Much depends on the innate personality traits.

A child with a strong type of higher nervous activity is more stable, a teenager can resist through typical adolescent reactions, so much so that the surrounding adults "will not seem a little".
But there are many people suffering from an excellent student's complex. Even in a mild form, he brings disharmony into the life of both the person himself and those around him.

There is a persistent myth in society that school grades are an indicator of a person's intelligence and his further professional success. BUT IT'S NOT SO!

These facts are confirmed by hundreds of studies carried out in different countries:

1. School performance is not an indicator of a person's future success.

2. School performance is not an indicator of intelligence.

Recent research in High school economics have shown that the professional success of graduates does not depend on their assessments during their studies. See the article on our website

It was said above that the predisposition to the syndrome (complex) of the excellent student may be congenital. But often parents, themselves suffering from an excellent student's complex, pass it on to their children through upbringing, projecting their own fears of getting a negative assessment for their child. In this case, the parents' complex of an excellent student is manifested in the fear of not looking like an “ideal parent” in the eyes of others, primarily teachers.

There is an ongoing struggle for academic achievement, where grades are the main focus, not the child's knowledge and interests. Often this applies not only to school grades, but also to other aspects of life. The main thing is to look appropriate in the eyes of others.

And it's hard to fight the acquired complex of an excellent student, so people live under this burden - heightened sensitivity to critical remarks, resentment, dependence on the opinions of others, all the time afraid not to get an "A" (and because of this they often refuse some of their intentions and desires).

So is it worth it, dear parents, to demand from the child that he always receive only fives? Have you always met all the expectations of those around you? But sometimes it happens when close adults, because of some, in their opinion, failure of the child, begin to "blackmail" him with their health. "Ah, because of your marks my heart breaks," says a loving mother or grandmother, not even suspecting what she is forming in a child with these words.

And in the end, what is more important to you? The child's health and mental well-being, harmony in relations with him or the number of fives in the diary, especially since they do not determine a person's success.

Often, parents like the excellent student syndrome, although they are not aware of its existence. Indeed, what else is needed? The child is obedient, studies well, sincerely worries if something does not work out for him. A dream, not a child! And adults do not realize that the most important thing for a child is not the result of his activity, but the desire to be good and “approved”. And the feeling is formed in him that they love him only for the “five”, and not himself. Make a mistake and lose love.

There is a fear of making a mistake, making the wrong choice. And this fear is often fixed for life, along with self-doubt and fears of "looking wrong", "doing wrong" and even "thinking wrong." In extreme cases, the fear of being wrong can turn into a real phobia.

In his life, a person with an excellent student's complex experiences a sense of insecurity, it is difficult for him to build open relationships with other people, he often thinks that he may be worse than the expectations of others.

A person who was taught in childhood that he is loved only for good grades, for obedience, for some kind of success and achievement, in later life it will seem that someone needs him only because he meets the expectations of others. Hence the underestimated or unstable self-esteem, the feeling that he is not loved or appreciated, not recognized.

There is an unwillingness to fail, a fear of difficulties and self-doubt.

How to get rid of an excellent student's complex in a child?

1. Praise your child not for grades, but for the result.

"It's very good that you got an A."
“It’s very good that you did the test.”
Do you feel the difference?

2. Take an interest not in grades at school, but in the learning process, what you learned new, what was interesting or not interesting, difficult or easy.

3. Never associate assessment of learning outcomes (and not just learning) with personality assessment.

4. Do not compare your child with other children, do not set them up as an example.

5. Do not judge the child for any failures, better support him.

6. If the child is painfully worried about the grade received at school, or because of something else that did not work out, then you can try to discount the failure, show the child that it does not matter much and, moreover, does not affects your attitude towards him. For example: "Just think of a three in mathematics, so what?" Just do not devalue the child's efforts to achieve a result, here, on the contrary, it is important to show him that he is great, even if he did not complete everything for 5+.

You love your child not because of his grades or because he is obedient, neat, polite, does well at school, etc.?

How to get rid of an excellent student's complex in adulthood?

1. Realize. that some of your feelings, emotions and actions are not caused by a real situation, but by fears not to please others, not to justify their expectations. The excellent student's complex kind of brings you back to childhood, and you are afraid not to meet the requirements of your parents or teachers.

2. Understand, do the people around you really expect that you will always act perfectly? By the way, we often tend to attribute to others what they don't really think.

3. Allow yourself the right to make mistakes and not always be an ideal person in everything and always.

4. Be aware of when you are controlled by excellent student syndrome, and when your actions and emotions do not depend on it. In other words. put your excellent student complex under the control of consciousness.

5. Stop expecting constant approval from people around you, comparing yourself to others. In fact, it is not you, but the very child who has formed the feeling that he is loved only when he does everything perfectly, should be the best.

6. Want the excellent student's complex to stop managing you. Start to fight with him, to act.

The most difficult thing in getting rid of the excellent student's complex is to allow yourself not always to meet the expectations of others.
By the way, we often invent these expectations ourselves. A person with excellent student syndrome ascribes to others something that they supposedly expect from him. He believes that if you always do good to others, then they will respond in kind.
But this is not always the case in life. And why should other people live up to your expectations? Where do the legs of this belief come from? Was it not from our childhood, when we were taught that we must always be good, and for everyone?

A person with excellent student syndrome often cannot start doing something new or finish what they started. The reason is simple. He needs a five, i.e. we must strive for the ideal. And the ideal is far and not always achievable, at least in his imagination. And next to them are people who, from the point of view of an "excellent student", do a mess, but at the same time feel confident and achieve success. What feeling does an "excellent student" have? That's right, most often resentment and a feeling of injustice.

And life is not always fair, especially from the point of view of "excellent students".

Decide what is more important to you: always achieve results, even to the detriment of yourself or your own interests.

Learn to prioritize where your personal interests come first.

Add more selfishness to your actions. Without it in moderation, life is not very attractive, and neither is food without salt.
It is impossible for everyone to like it, and why?

Think about how you can use your excellent student syndrome so that it not only interferes with your life, but sometimes helps you achieve your goals. It is our own, not strangers! He can help to do something better than others. But only this must be done for yourself, for the realization of your goals, and not in order to gain the approval of others, who most likely will not appreciate it. By the way, many people are annoyed by excessive perfectionism. especially when it is imposed, demonstrated. A person with excellent student syndrome can often irritate others, because makes increased demands on others. Who likes it?

If the excellent student's syndrome is controlled, then he is quite capable of not only spoiling life, but also helping in something. But you can't give him complete freedom.

Character

The complex of excellent pupils in adults is one of those psychological conditions that are difficult to manage. Such women initially get used to demanding too much of themselves and do not allow them to relax. Often it turns out that all their lives they strive to meet other people's expectations and at the same time happily forget about their own needs. There is simply no time or energy left for oneself. This complex requires attention. Often he destroys the personality, contributes to the fact that it becomes extremely suspicious, insecure.

Signs of an excellent pupil's complex

The complex of the excellent pupil in the fair sex is manifested in a certain way. If you are extremely attentive to your closest environment and your own feelings, you can notice gradually occurring changes. Let's consider in more detail the signs of the excellent student's syndrome. It is they who should alert and make you think.

Perfectionism

This is a distinctive characteristic of a girl who always strives to do everything right. In fact, it is impossible to never be wrong, because all people are characterized by imperfection to one degree or another. The desire for perfectionism only kills the interest in life, because all knowledge is impossible without mistakes. The research spirit directly depends on how much a person allows himself to be active in life, to realize his abilities. But it is impossible to succeed in any business if you constantly urge yourself, criticize, fit into certain frameworks and schemes. Fear of error often leads to the fact that a person stops trying to learn something new, to discover additional horizons. After all, it is unlikely that it will be possible to win under limiting conditions. People who are afraid to act stay where they are and don't go anywhere.

Lack of self-esteem

Another characteristic sign of the presence of excellent pupil syndrome. Such a girl constantly doubts, cannot make a decision quickly. She, as a rule, consults with everyone on any occasion, subconsciously trying to please others. The presence of such a complex has not yet made anyone strong and self-sufficient. Of course, a person suffers from the inability to fully express his own feelings, constantly suppresses them. Self-doubt creates a certain tension in relationships with oneself and the people around. The desire to always and control everything cannot lead to any significant development. All spheres of life begin to suffer, and, above all, the emotional connection with the people around.

Indecision

It stems precisely from self-doubt and strongly manifested maximalism. A woman suffering from an excellent pupil's complex cannot prove herself in society for the reason that she is afraid of not being up to par. Fear prevents any undertakings, makes her constantly analyze her own actions. Indecision interferes with achieving success, realizing oneself in the world. The more we focus on failure, the more they begin to haunt us. That is why any psychological problem is a serious obstacle to achieving the desired result.

Obsession with problems

If an ordinary person is not constantly tormented by thoughts of possible difficulties, then the desire to do everything ideally leaves a serious imprint on the personality. A strong obsession with problems arises. Moreover, they are often not real, but imaginary. Girls constantly think about what troubles they can expect in the future, scroll in their heads possible options for getting rid of all sorts of difficulties. Excessive immersion in experiences is also a sign of an excellent pupil's complex. Additional concerns arise from the inability to control the situation.

Loss of individuality

Due to constant bouts of self-flagellation, there is such a thing as a loss of life guidelines. The girl does not understand what is happening to her, as she constantly tries to adapt to the opinion of the majority. Loss of individuality occurs gradually, the woman does not notice it. Over time, she begins to feel incredibly unhappy. The fair sex continues to live by someone else's rules, while doing nothing to change her position. Individuality is perhaps the most important thing in every person. The habit of doing everything right and the pursuit of the ideal do not give the opportunity to be truly happy. The more the person is fixated on the difficulties that arise, the more he is afraid of possible failures. Over time, individuality is erased, and only blind adherence to other people's expectations remains.

How to get rid of the excellent pupil complex

In order to overcome this problem in oneself, it is necessary to act. You can't just sit back and hope that everything will somehow change by itself. Only by taking decisive steps, a person actually moves forward, opens new doors for himself, discovers additional opportunities. Acquired maximalism should not become a reason for giving up the joys of life. How to get rid of the excellent pupil's complex? Let's try to figure it out.

A healthy attitude towards criticism

In order to stop chasing excellence, you need to develop true self-respect. And it is possible only if a healthy attitude towards criticism is formed. If you think about this question, it turns out that many people remain dissatisfied with their lives. They are guided by certain considerations and at the same time forget about their own deepest needs. In no case should this be allowed. If a person is constantly afraid of condemnation from others, then he can never be satisfied with himself. It will constantly feel like something is going wrong. An adequate attitude to criticism is possible only when the person is confident in himself. It is necessary to learn to accept mistakes as an integral part of success. There is no need to constantly scold yourself for something that happened a long time ago. Focusing on the opinions of other people, we lose ourselves, we do not allow ourselves to be really happy and self-sufficient.

Time and effort calculation

This is a necessary criterion for success. For some unknown reason, many people forget it or even deliberately ignore it. To overcome the complex of an excellent pupil in oneself, it is necessary to understand very well how long it will take to implement a particular task. One's own forces also need to be calculated. After all, if you overestimate the real possibilities, at some point you can be very disappointed in life. And having such a sad experience, not everyone wants to overcome negative impressions in themselves. Time and effort calculation will help to avoid undesirable consequences, from cope with many difficulties. We must always understand what we want to strive for and what efforts we are ready to make for this.

No fear of being wrong

This is a global misconception for many people - they are worried that they will not be able to meet someone's requirements. Few people understand that they should live their own life, focusing on their own ideas about life. The ability to make mistakes and accept your own failures is really worth a lot. It is necessary to learn to look to the future only with hope. It is then that any obstacles will be surmountable. There is no need to be afraid of mistakes, because they are the ones that lead us to the achievement of meaningful goals. If each person learned to accept their own shortcomings as something completely natural, then people would become more tolerant of each other. Those who choose to remain themselves win as a result.

Revision of beliefs

Each person has their own ideas about life. Individual preferences, desires and aspirations constitute the inner life of the individual. If a girl suffers from excessive tension and indecision, she needs to change her views. It should be understood that it is they who hinder the achievement of happiness. Such a person simply cannot achieve a state of integrity. You need to understand that the people around you are also not perfect. There is no point in constantly blaming yourself for not being able to meet some invented ideal. After all, every person is different. Reconsidering beliefs lets you break the habit of being in control. When we take responsibility for what is happening, we really get the opportunity to change our lives. You need to consciously work on yourself, try not to dwell on failures. The ability to think positively actually affects the consciousness of the individual, expands the boundaries of real possibilities.

Taking responsibility

The true responsibility of the individual is to work on his character under all circumstances. People often seek to justify their own inaction with certain adverse conditions. In fact, they just want to run away from the unsightly truth that makes them doubt themselves, feel remorse, and feel ashamed. True responsibility lies in actions and actions that lead to development.

Thus, an excellent pupil's complex is a state with which one must strive to work. It is important not only to want to overcome it, but to know where to go, what tasks to set for yourself.

Congratulations to all with the NEW academic YEAR!

I present to your attention two articles by different authors on the same topic.

On the first of September, every now and then the first graders hear wishes for their study at "excellent".

This is not surprising, because most parents dream of their child being an excellent student at school, believing that brilliant academic success is the key to future success. In addition, the word "excellent student" gives rise to the image of an intelligent, obedient, neat botanist.

Despite the differences among the excellent students, there is a general psychological state inherent in many of them - the "excellent student complex", characterized by the presentation of exaggerated requirements both to oneself and to other people. And also the desire to be the first in everything and always, while not having the right to make a mistake and with a huge inner fear of possible failures.

Of course, the "excellent student's complex" is harmful to health, as it causes psychosomatic reactions in the body in the form of headaches, insomnia, disruption of the internal organs, etc.

How is the "excellent student's complex" formed?

According to research by scientists, it is formed with the help of two components - genetic and psychological factors. For example, if the parents were excellent students, then the child has a great chance to follow in their footsteps. As folk wisdom says, an apple falls not far from an apple tree, or oranges will not be born from an aspen. However, the genetic factor is supported by a certain life program that parents set, showing their meritorious certificates, medals, awards, telling their own success stories.

Excellent parents often over-control and patronize their offspring, while imposing unreasonably high hopes and responsibilities on him, thereby contributing to the formation of such a complex. Too heavy a burden for a child - to listen to phrases like "you must", "you are obliged", "you need" and so on. Note that most often the beautiful half of humanity suffers from this complex due to greater obedience and an increased degree of suggestion.

Sometimes a difficult situation in the family is the reason for the formation of an "excellent student" complex, when a child receives the parental attention he needs so much only in case of excellent studies, provided that good results are achieved. An excellent student has to live in constant stress, always strive to meet some ideal. As a result, he forgets his real self, lives as if someone else's life and gets madly tired. Chronic fatigue syndrome, disappointment in life is a deplorable result of the race for excellent grades and an attempt to be an example in everything.

What to do?

It is important for parents to understand that their desire to make a child an excellent student sometimes does not correlate with the needs and capabilities of the child himself. It doesn't make him better or worse. He's just different. A separate, unique, unique person with his own worldview and with his own life path.

Help your child not to compare himself with others, love and respect him without conditions. Rejoice in any of his successes, support in the development of personal interests - simple tips for all parents in raising thinking, healthy and happy children.

After new reforms in the field of education, the situation has only worsened. The task of successfully passing the Unified State Exam, getting high results in subject Olympiads in order to replenish one's own and teacher's portfolio is a serious burden for any, even a very inquisitive, intelligent and healthy child. If earlier teachers "pitied" the excellent students and did not force them to participate in all kinds of conferences and competitions, now the passing of the teacher's certification largely depends on the achievements of the students.

Thus, one cannot envy the position of excellent students. And without support, understanding of loved ones, they will have a hard time. Therefore, before setting up a child to be an excellent student, think carefully whether he needs it himself and what price he will have to pay for excellent studies.

Although, with a meaningful approach of adults, as well as with a pronounced need and ability of the child for excellent studies, it is quite possible to combine excellent grades with a fulfilling life.

Olga Knyazeva , St. Petersburg

Why is the "excellent student's complex" dangerous?

Sometimes we wonder why our classmate, who graduated from school with a medal and a university with honors, which, it would seem, should be subject to the whole world, suddenly plunges into the abyss of causeless depression, becomes nervous and irritated, or even goes into a binge. “Bad weather, stress, everyday troubles, but you never know what” - we think. But in fact, the reason leading to such, and sometimes even more tragic consequences, can be hidden deep in childhood, and it is called the "excellent student's complex."

The "excellent student's complex", as a rule, is formed in connection with too high demands on the child in the family. Parents always want their child to be the best, and in all spheres of activity, which in itself is hardly possible. And the child, trying to bring joy to his parents (and sometimes from fear of reprimand), goes out of his way to meet these essentially distorted requirements. Over time, a person gets so used to the role imposed on him that even in the absence of an "appraiser", having gone far from his parents and building his own life, he continues to set exaggerated demands. Indeed, deep in the subconscious, a seditious thought has already been deposited: the love of others must be earned, only the best are loved.

Everything that an "excellent student" undertakes must be done at the highest level. Any failure is perceived as a disaster and an excuse for self-criticism. The worst thing is when a person makes unreasonably high demands not only to himself, but also to those around him, trying to build everything according to a certain “highest standard”. Failure of loved ones to meet this standard causes an "excellent student" unbearable pain and leads to disappointment in people.

Such an "excellent student" does not recognize either himself or others the right to make a mistake, and therefore is terrified of failure. Often, as a result of exaggerated requirements and the inability to fully comply with them, psychosomatic reactions appear: headaches, insomnia, disorders of the internal organs, depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, multiple personality disorder, etc.

Scientists have found that the formation of this complex is influenced by two main factors - genetic and psychological. They are usually closely related. For example, if the parents were at one time "excellent students", then the child also has a fairly large chance of becoming one (genetic factor). But this is not so much for biological reasons. After all, excellent parents will certainly show the growing child their diaries, speckled with fives, letters of commendation, gold medals and honors, obtained with sweat and blood (and this is already a serious psychological factor).

The child is thus given a certain life program, imposed from the outside. And it does not always correlate with the wishes and capabilities of the child. Excellent parents tend to overprotect and control their offspring, and at the same time impose too much responsibility on him. “You must”, “you are obliged”, “you need”, “shame on you not to know such simple things” - these are typical phrases for cultivating an “excellent student's complex”.

Psychologists believe that this complex is more often found in the beautiful half of humanity (therefore it is often called the "excellent pupil's complex"), since she is more suggestible and obedient. It is the "excellent pupils" who tend to wait for the "prince on a white horse". If one is not found, the woman either becomes completely disappointed in men (this is where the legs grow from the common phrase "All men are goats!") Or begins to terrorize the surrounding men for compliance with the ideal. And the reason for everything - again, the same absurd confidence that you can love only the ideal!

But since the ideal does not exist in the real world, the next step is often disappointment in the structure of the world and in humanity as a whole. And if personal failures are superimposed on this, then it is very difficult to get out of the depressed state. And the persuasion of friends and employees is unlikely to help here. After all, the main problem is that people with such a complex do not know how to “fall”. But, as wisdom says, "it's not a shame to fall, it's a shame not to rise." So let's be more realistic about ourselves and our loved ones, forgive them for their involuntary mistakes and learn to live wisely and happily.

Oksana Kubatchenko, Kiev

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