What I regretted after 40. What women regret after forty. What you could have done but didn't

This study will be most useful to those who are twenty or thirty today. Time is an exhaustible resource, and every age has its own purpose. There is an age to study, there is an age to get married, there is an age to give birth, there is an age to raise children, and there is an age to do something good in the world. 30 years old in this regard is the age for almost everything.

Judge for yourself - I still have health, don’t worry. There is a lot of strength, there is energy, optimism. There is already independence from parents and a certain internal maturity - you no longer have to prove anything to them. I have an understanding of what I want, what I like. That is, I already know myself – at least a little. I can still give birth to children. I have a head on my shoulders - I’m already thinking about the consequences of my actions. In general, I can do a lot of things.

But there is a paradox - when there is a lot of things to do, it is easy to get lost in all the diversity. Choice for a woman is generally a terrible thing. How to distribute priorities? What's the best thing to do at thirty? Build a career? Run around the stadium? Give birth to children? Do charity work? What can you put off until later? Then will I learn to cook? Then I'll see the world?

Actually, understanding all the hardships of making a choice at such a golden age (although each age has its own advantages), we conducted a study.

We surveyed (at the time of writing the review) 1966 women whose average age was 46.7 years.
There were 16 main questions.

It was possible to mark several options, so in total there were more than 7,500 answers.

Among the respondents there were those who were 38-39, and there were also those who were 69-78.

Thank you to all those who shared their opinions, stories and thoughts with us.

So we asked women what they regret now in their thirties. What would they do differently, what would they advise others. And based on the results, this is the TOP 5.

5th place:Regret about not strengthening the relationship with her husband – 601 people – 30% of respondents.

Indeed, this is common in the world. Children are born, there is work, plans, a lot of energy. And one forgets that there is still a husband nearby. Who needs our love, who also wants a little of our care, and who also needs our trust and admiration.

Marina, 56 years old:

“I gave birth to three children one after another. And my husband was happy with me. We raised them together. But almost always we were only parents. We stopped being a couple. With each other we only talked about children. We did everything for the sake of the children. "Now the children have left, and we are left alone with each other. I don't know this man, as if it wasn't with him that I recently celebrated my thirtieth marriage anniversary."

Irina, 38 years old:

“When I got married, everything was great. Then we decided that it was time to have children, and our eldest came along. Having gone to work, I understand that without a higher education I can’t get anywhere (I had a secondary vocational education then), my husband is “for” I got carried away with my studies, at the same time I gave birth to my youngest child, I decided that since God gave it, my husband is happy, then so be it. It was very difficult to combine it, but my parents helped, my husband used to write lectures for me, babysit for me, in general, we managed - I graduated.

I went to work in my specialty, and things started happening. At first it’s a little, so what, I devote all my evenings to work, only in the evening, and then more, and I didn’t notice, I have no time to walk with the children, sit in an embrace with my husband, bake a homemade pie. But before, there was time for all this and much more, and most importantly, strength.

Now I don't know what people do in their free time. I’m going through the first few days when I go on vacation. And the worst thing is that if I set aside time for the children because I have to, then I don’t always spend time with my husband, he’s an adult, he’ll understand. As a result, we have been sleeping separately for about five years now, somehow I didn’t even notice when this happened. And now I have to restore these relationships."

Tatyana, 59 years old:

“We grew up in a time of a different ideology. We were raised as workers, activists, all for the good of the Motherland. I remember writing in my diary that we had a test of satiety, and regretted that there was no room for heroism.

Subsequently, everything was at the request of the workers - difficulties, lack of money, the nineties, and so much personal misfortune and grief. Many at that time could not cope with life circumstances. I was lucky to stay on my feet, perhaps due to my short stature and strong figure, and mental strength.

Therefore, to all young girls and young women, I wish you strength of spirit, self-confidence, and most importantly, not to be and not to strive to be a lonely and self-sufficient lady. Girls, it is better to be a wife and mother than to be a good worker. Work will not embrace you and will someday throw you overboard, there are many of us out there. There is nothing better than family, better than children and grandchildren, and of course, a reliable loving husband. I always dream of uniting everyone in pairs, I know a lot about solitude and I don’t wish it on anyone! Be loved and happy, love yourself!"

Popular on the site: Dedicated to all girls over 40 (editor’s note)

4th place: Regret that all efforts were spent on work, but there was no time for loved ones - 674 people - 34% of respondents.

This is a typical situation of that time, when it was a shame not to work, to be a dependent. And kindergartens, after-school programs, and camps were in the order of things and were considered a huge benefit for everyone. Women built BAM, a career, a bright future.

Although now the situation is not much different - the percentage of working married women is now even higher. Women now run businesses, build careers, and receive many higher educations. To be independent, self-sufficient, to provide for yourself and your family, your children, everything you need - and even beyond that. Buy an apartment, a car, a dacha, a vacation, a lot of toys...

Is it correct? Are we missing something by being in the office most of the day, without our loved ones, outside our home? It turned out that many women regret that they did not see their children grow up and could not be with them. Some initially set priorities differently, some decided to change this order of things already in the process, and some realized the consequences only much later.

Irina, 62 years old:

“Now I understand that all my problems with my daughter are due to the fact that I never strived to be her mother to the fullest. I always felt like a specialist first and foremost - a highly qualified engineer. Therefore, I worked a lot, constantly disappeared on business trips. When my children "they were sick, their husband and grandmothers were with them. But not me. I had no time. And today my daughter is almost forty. We have no dialogue with her. She is ruining her life, and I can’t do anything about it."

Natalya, 40 years old:

“I got married early. My three beautiful beloved girls were born in the marriage. In the intervals between children, I received an education (first I graduated from a sewing school, and then from a pedagogical institute), but I was not able to work in my specialty. All my attempts to build a career ended in endless illnesses of children and various kinds of difficulties at home.

And then one day my husband and I decided that it was time to stop these senseless attempts at my “work,” and I finally settled at home. But one thought kept nagging me all the time: many of my friends are successful and have built brilliant careers, but am I going to sit around my pots all my life? I lived with this question for several years.

But one day a friend of mine, a businesswoman (successful by society’s standards in everything - career, car, apartment), came to visit us. My daughters and I were bustling around in the kitchen, baking pizza, and my friend was sitting on the couch watching us.

And suddenly I saw tears in her eyes and she told me: “Lord, how happy you are!” and at that moment all doubts about my failure to succeed disappeared like smoke! Suddenly it dawned on me - I am the happiest, the most successful and the most needed!

There is no greater happiness for a woman than to be loved, wanted and needed. But a career and a car will not hug you with warm, dear arms around your neck and bake pizza with you! My life, thank you that you turned out this way!”

Olga, 48 years old:

“My friend is 38 years old. Her long-awaited child is his first, he is 4 years old. He started going to kindergarten. After a month of fighting with him, the teacher called his mother to scold her for some misdeed of the baby.

We listen to the teacher’s aunt’s monologue: “I tell him – you’re a bad boy, because...” And this impudent guy answers her: “If you knew how much my mother loves me, you wouldn’t say that.”

Mom was called to scold precisely for this impudent phrase!

If I knew how my love could protect my baby in the fight against the system, I would do just that. As it turned out, my daughter, going to 1st grade, could not defend herself from the first teacher (the class was ballet, and she hit the children’s heads on their desks, and this is the city of Kharkov, not some village). I found out about this today when my daughter told me after 6 months of sessions with a psychoanalyst. I would never have known."

Galina, 42 years old:

“At one time, I was a working mother and wife with a strong bias towards self-realization in the outside world. It got to the point that, as a chief accountant, during the period of reporting, I sometimes left my sick child alone at home at the age of 5-7 and went to work. Grandmothers had not yet retired either, so there were few options.

I worked 10-12 hours a day and only had time to put my daughter to bed when I came home from work. At the same time, there was no task to feed us myself - I was married. But stereotypes imposed from outside also controlled me - the pursuit of social success, income, beautiful status things, vacations at resorts, etc. – all this was more important to me than the physical and mental health of my own child.

This is how we lived – my husband and I spent the whole day in offices, and our daughter was alone at home. And when I was laid off at one job and substituted for another, years of correcting mistakes began for me. With baby. My daughter’s physical and especially mental health left much to be desired. Life forced me to stay at home (although, out of inertia, I still periodically continued to look for a permanent job), and I simply became a mother for many months and years. Through observation came realization.

Priorities have changed dramatically. I learned again to love my now fully grown daughter, to welcome her home from school in grades 9-11, when I didn’t do this in grades 2-3. I began to have long, intimate conversations with her, unravel the tangle of her psychological problems, accept her with all her characteristics, treat her wounded heart with care and love.

Gradually, difficultly, step by step, the situation began to improve. But I almost lost her in every sense of the word. Now I have a completely prosperous, talented, adult child, with whom we have built a small harmonious family, where love and care reign. And if life puts me before the choice of “work or family,” I don’t even have any doubts about which to give preference to.”

3rd place:Regret that I traveled little and saw little - 744 people - 38% of respondents. Strictly speaking, even at eighty years old it’s not too late. These are not children who have grown up and flown away, nor are they of childbearing age, which has its limits. The problem is that in our country, when we retire, we lose the opportunity to live and begin to survive. Our pensioners do not travel around the world like German or American ones. Maximum - only for the dacha. Therefore, for those who are retired here, it seems to me, two components are important.

I didn’t travel when I could have earned money and saved for it.

Now I could travel, but I don’t have the money (or health) for it.

Maybe that's why we haven't been sent any stories about this. Imagine, out of 700 stories, not a single one is about travel or countries. This makes me think about how much this is our desire, and not a vector of society.

Let’s also remember that, after all, 40 years is not retirement yet—you can do everything! The children have grown up, if there are any. And there are still opportunities - and there may be everything ahead!

Traveling is not necessarily far, long and expensive.

2nd place:Regret that she gave birth to few children - 744 people, 38% of respondents and another 113 people who regret abortions. There was no such item in the survey, but many people wrote about it in their stories - so I would like to add here - that they had an abortion. I don’t want to quote many such stories here, they are almost all about one thing - an abortion done when I was young, and then a long inability to carry and give birth to a child. There were more than 60 such stories, many simply added in the survey that they regretted abortion.

Irina, 38 years old:

“I really regret the abortions I had. I thought I still needed to learn, I’m very young, this man is not that smart, responsible...etc. (if he’s not like that...why sleep with him? You have to think first, and then start close relations.)"

Natalya, 39 years old

“If this helps stop at least one girl in a difficult situation and gives her time to think, I will be glad.
Married for 20 years. She got married deliberately. And no matter how life turned, it was always based on feelings from childhood. From the age of 7-8 I knew that I would definitely get married and have many children. From the age of 15-16, a firm conviction appeared that marriage was once and for all.

Pregnancy came before the wedding. I had an abortion. In 1993

Now look at the chronology:

1994 – surgery (ectopic pregnancy).

1995 – premature birth, son died two days later.

1998 – full-term birth, daughter dies after two operations.

2000 – miscarriage at 6 months.

2001 – frozen pregnancy at 12 weeks.

And this is called OAA-complicated obstetric history.

Traditional medicine could not explain anything.

All. This is where my persistence ended and my husband and I “closed this topic.” Then, a few years later, there were a couple more pregnancies. It ended very early, so it was no longer a big shock for me.

Bottom line. Our daughter is now 3 years old, she is our fairy tale girl. It's a gift for us. In all senses. Prayed and suffered. I did it. How it was given to me and my husband, only God knows. Take care of yourself. Take better care of yourself!"

And the point about having a small number of children firmly took second place. Some did not dare to have a second child, some settled on two, and some regret that they did not give birth to even one.

Olga, 58 years old:

"When I was twenty, it seemed too early to have time. Everyone was giving birth, but I was waiting for something. My husband asked me to give birth to a child, and I asked him to wait. There is still work, I need to fulfill the five-year plans in three years. Then it was thirty. To give birth It was too late according to society, but I decided that my time had not come yet. The prime of my life and my career. My husband waited. Forty years. I promised him every time that next year - I’m successful, I’m the boss.

When I was 43, he left. To another. Younger. Which immediately gave birth to two children of the same age. And then one more. And I was left with nothing. I didn’t need a career, a huge apartment, or a car. Nothing. I tried to get pregnant and it didn’t work. I even turned to doctors for help.

Today I’m almost 60. My friends are already grandmothers. I smile in their faces and tell them that I don’t regret anything. But I have a huge pain in my heart that I didn’t do the most important thing. I haven’t dedicated myself to anyone, and now no one needs me. Don't repeat my mistakes!"

Tatyana, 45 years old:

It’s good that I managed to give birth to a daughter while married. And during this time I did not live as a woman at all - no men around, no creativity, the house was abandoned, only thoughts about how to earn more money.

The most interesting thing is that nothing worked for me, but I tried harder. There were so many tears, difficult professional relationships, and disappointments during this time. The result of all this is predictable for those who study knowledge - complete emptiness in the soul, no money, no relationships. Thank God that at that time I attended Gadetsky’s lecture, and I had the intelligence to understand it and turn my life around.

But as soon as I stopped looking for an opportunity to earn money, a good job “came” to me in the specialty for which I studied immediately after school, and from which I went into economics to be able to earn more. Money began to come to me easily.

And most importantly, love came into my life, I met a worthy man. Yes, a completely different life has begun, and one could have enjoyed it much more if not for age. Whatever one may say, every age has its own task. At my age, I already need to learn to be a grandmother and pass on wisdom to the younger generation. And I’m just learning this wisdom myself and dreaming of more children.

Because it is unacceptably small to give birth and raise only one child. Yes, I have grown up to be a very good daughter (although I now have to change many of the male attitudes that I had instilled into female ones), but I dreamed of more. Yes, you can change everything after 40, but it is much more difficult. Therefore, realize yourself as a woman as early as possible, and believe that if you realize your feminine destiny, everything else in your life will definitely work out.”

Lada, 42 years old:

“I had no relatives in my city, and my mother died. My eldest daughter was 9 years old. I became pregnant with twins. There is a crisis in the “yard”, unemployment, I have no job at all. My husband said that there are no twins in his family and from nowhere such a pregnancy... left. My daughter and I were left alone. It was very scary how I was alone without my husband, mother, or relatives.

When I was pregnant, my girlfriends secretly took over me - just a little - they were nearby. Things for the baby, like in a fairy tale, appeared from somewhere (either girlfriends would bring them, then there would be an opportunity to earn money and buy them, or they would just be given by almost strangers).

She gave birth to two wonderful boys, herself. No caesarean. Yes, it was very uneasy, physically difficult - the boys suckled breasts every 2 hours, the automatic machine simply burned out after 2 weeks of continuous operation. But magically, the machine appeared, and the diapers were given by strangers with whom I had previously worked.

Everything was very difficult, but now my daughter is 21, the boys are 12, and we remember with smiles how our uncomfortable huge stroller overturned when I left my daughter alone to bring groceries home, how we simultaneously woke up from the silence in the house, and our ugly ones learned untangling the elastic bands on the cabinet doors and scattering all the bulk products in an even layer throughout the apartment. It was and is very difficult.

But if God gave you children, the whole universe will support you! This I now know for sure."

Lera, 41 years old:

"She got married at 25 and gave birth to her eldest daughter at 26. The birth was difficult because I got caught up in the shift change of the medical staff and no one cared about me. Head injury in a child. The doctor stated that he would be disabled. However, the daughter pulled through. I am a doctor myself, I understand perfectly well what the consequences could be. Problems before school: logoneurosis, stuttering. Speech therapist, injections, massage, but the improvement is not great. She was strict with her daughter and listened to all the doctors. There is zero contact with my daughter. She was not allowed to hug or kiss herself.

There was no talk of a second child. A stranger’s grandmother gave advice: pray and wish for your daughter’s health, and also ask for the children. I am a Muslim by religion, I went to the mosque, bought prayer books with translation into Russian and slowly started.

14 years have passed, we study in a regular school, in a regular class. Although our first grade teachers assigned us to special education, we did not give up. Yes, we will not graduate from college, but we will have secondary vocational education. My daughter loves me, we have a trusting relationship with her as much as possible. And I don’t insist on either A’s or B’s. The most important thing is her happy eyes, that she likes studying in this class, that she likes her teacher. And thank God for everything! He gave me the strength to overcome this lesson!

Thank God for my second daughter. Her love for us was able to cure me and my eldest daughter. Through my second daughter, I understood and accepted a lot. My advice to you: do not be afraid to give birth to second and third children, even if you have problems with the first. Their and your mutual love will give you strength and help!"

Lyubov, 53 years old:

“Our daughter was born in 1992. We lived and worked on the BAM. The deliberate collapse of the road and everything connected with it began. We weren’t paid wages, there was nothing to live on. We moved to the Caucasus, but we couldn’t fit into our new life ... Almost 10 years of terrible poverty... We didn’t think about any more children... Then it became easier. Now we have two adopted daughters, 8 and 12 years old, the eldest is a psychologist in her 5th year. What I mean is that it’s never too late to make your dreams come true ".

1 place:Regret about throwing yourself into the far corner – 998 people – 50% of respondents.

It won by a huge margin. The undoubted leader of the survey. And very understandable. It's so typical of women to give. We are designed in such a way that it is easy and pleasant for us to give. We give life to children, we give our bodies to men, we give food to our families, clean laundry... It’s so easy to get caught up in this and become completely empty. It’s so easy to chase “goodness” and always give everyone what they want. Completely forgetting about myself.

This is safer - you don’t need to refuse anyone, you don’t need to offend or upset anyone. The only one who will suffer is myself. But I can be patient. But one day it becomes unbearable that I haven’t done anything for myself in life. Or I did, but very little. I didn’t follow my dreams, I fulfilled someone else’s. I didn’t take care of myself, and now it’s already “late” (although here this word – “late” is generally inappropriate!).

And this feeling can be very depressing - it’s the “latest” thing. Someone thinks that it’s too late to go to a salon if you’ve never been there, it’s too late to start singing, dancing... And where is the happiness then? Even if everything goes “as it should” for you, this does not guarantee you happiness. If this is all, it’s not yours. If you didn’t dream about it, but did it only because you had to.

Sofia, 45 years old:

"There are no identical women, not even similar ones. Each is a separate Universe! It’s not true that everyone wants to be a wife and mother. Some want to be a hippie, some want to do business, some want to travel, some want to do not leave the house. And all this is normal! Strange, failed, offended by fate - these are the labels of ignorant people.

I was a wife and mother for 23 years and all this time I felt bad. I was them through force. Now my son has grown up, my husband has left, and only at the age of 44 did I spread my wings. Everyone thinks I'm in love! I just feel good! I don't owe anyone anything at all! I walk down the street and involuntarily smile! This has never happened before. I wore decent, but “alien” clothes. And now I only do what I want and I don’t care about other people’s opinions.”

Nelya, 59 years old:

“I really liked singing. It was the most favorite thing in my life. But only when I turned 58 did I start doing it. And before that, I only did what brought me little pleasure and that’s why I was unhappy.”

Liliya, 44 years old:

“I tried to prove to my mother that I was not stupid and at least pretty. So I became a TV journalist. I was 13 years old. I found fame, but not happiness. Then I decided to find out what it’s like to have a big salary? I had a high income, but most of it I spent money on branded clothes in order to please the employer and comply with the dress code.

An absurd situation: you receive money from your employer and spend it to match the employer :) In general, financial solvency did not console me. I quit my job and started doing creative work. Today I create notebooks, organize master classes and exhibitions of masters. My husband immediately began to move up the career ladder, and his income increased. Today I know that dreams come true."

Elena, 42 years old:

“A simple story, like many. My mother’s words were accidentally heard in childhood: “Your Natasha is smart, Anna is beautiful, and mine... neither this nor that.” And the young maiden rushed to prove to her mother that she exists, that she can, study, work, sports... and I continued to do so until I was 35, until I realized that I was not living my own life.

It’s good that I realized it in time, it’s not easy, I had to uproot something... and now not everything is smooth, it’s hard to learn at forty years to be a good wife, to give in, to trust, to inspire... To be a good mother, because you don’t know how, you only know how not necessary. But I am completely happy - I have a wife of 2 years and a daughter of 9 months. Thank you to the Lord, I enlightened you and gave you grace, kissed me on the crown.”

There were other things the women talked about. Many people said that it would be good to take care of your health while you have it. This became especially true for those over 50 years old. Still, at forty you still have health. Many wrote about the need to find your own path, and not earn money in generally accepted professions. Many talked about how harmful bad habits are for women - smoking, alcohol.

There was one more category that we did not initially take into account in the survey. And there were many stories and regrets on this topic. When we are over 40, our parents are over 60-70. And at this time they can leave the body or become very sick. So, many women shared that they regretted wasting time resenting their parents.

Larisa, 58 years old:

“At first it was very difficult. I didn’t know how to live on, I felt my orphanhood to the fullest. I woke up and went to bed alone and defenseless. My family helped me adapt to the new life.

This acute feeling of orphanhood has passed over time, but the memory of my beloved and loving parents, thank God, is constantly present. They live with us in our conversations, individual remarks. My daughter and I don’t understand when they say that someone just sometimes remembers their relatives who have gone to other worlds. And we never forget about them! They are always present with us, we do not need to remember them. They are in our everyday life and holidays; they are in our words and thoughts; Yes, by and large, we are parts of them! Those we love live!

The only thing I grieve about is that I didn’t love them, didn’t tell them enough, didn’t give them enough care, tenderness, and attention during their lifetime. This is my burden now that is darkening my life.

Girls, remember! In due time you will also be orphaned, just like me! What and who will you be left with then?! Will your heart bleed and suffer from the feeling of your own guilt for your callous, cold, inattentive attitude towards those who gave you life? Will anyone be able to cry into their vest?

Will there be those who need you nearby, who are the meaning of your life, your core, your anchor, your continuation, to whom will you pass the baton of love and sacrifice? Think about it. The future is created by your hands and hearts now!"

Ariadne, 44 years old:

“I met my father when I was 40 years old. I did this deliberately after one of the systemic constellations using the Bert Hellinger method, when I saw the connection between my failures in my personal life and my father’s family. He left my mother and me before I was born. His first and last name and the fact that he greatly offended my mother, I didn’t know anything else about him.

And until the very moment I met him, I didn’t have any feelings associated with him at all; my consciousness lacked a whole layer of real ideas about the essence of the relationship between a man and a woman, unassimilated from childhood, about the essence of the relationship between a man and a woman when they are together, and, as it turned out, at the same time it seemed empty a matrix built in from birth about the sensation of natural male energies.

When I found my father’s phone number and called him for the first time, he harshly said that he did not have such a daughter, although he knew perfectly well about my existence for all 40 years. He had another family and another daughter. A couple of days later he himself called me with feelings of acceptance and repentance. We began to communicate often by phone, living in different cities.

He loved me and our conversations, sometimes even missing my voice. Six months later, I went to meet him in person, because we had no idea what each of us looked like. Dad was able to talk on the phone with my mom. I brought him my childhood photographs, we walked around the city and went to the zoo, where he proudly led me by the hand all the time, like a little daughter.

After some time, I felt as if I had found myself, my internal matrix was gradually filling up. And after some time, my personal life began to improve."

I wish everyone happiness! I hope these stories can inspire you to make changes and live your life brighter!

Regret that she gave birth to few children – 10% 744 people.

There was no such item in the survey, but many people wrote about it in their stories - so I would like to add here - that they had an abortion. I don’t want to quote many such stories here, they are almost all about one thing - an abortion done when I was young, and then a long inability to carry and give birth to a child. There were more than 60 such stories, many simply added in the survey that they regretted abortion.

I really regret having abortions. I thought I still need to learn, I’m very young, this man is not so smart, responsible...etc. (if he’s not like that... why sleep with him? You have to think first, and then start a close relationship.)

Irina, 38 years old

If this helps stop at least one girl in a difficult situation and gives her time to think, I will be glad.

Married for 20 years. She got married deliberately. And no matter how life turned, it was always based on feelings from childhood. From the age of 7-8 I knew that I would definitely get married and have many children. From the age of 15-16, a firm conviction appeared that marriage was once and for all.

Pregnancy came before the wedding. I had an abortion. In 1993
Now look at the chronology:

1994 - surgery (ectopic pregnancy).
1995 - premature birth, son died two days later.
1998 - full-term birth, daughter dies after two operations.
2000 - miscarriage at 6 months.
2001 - frozen pregnancy at 12 weeks.

And this is called OAA-complicated obstetric history.
Traditional medicine could not explain anything.
All. This is where my persistence ended and my husband and I “closed this topic.”

Then, a few years later, there were a couple more pregnancies. It ended very early, so it was no longer a big shock for me.

Bottom line. Our daughter is now 3 years old, she is our girl from a fairy tale. It's a gift for us. In all senses. Prayed and suffered. I did it. How it was given to me and my husband, only God knows.

Take care of yourself. Treat yourself more carefully!

Natalya, 39 years old

“When I was twenty, it seemed too early to have time. Everyone was giving birth, but I was waiting for something. My husband asked me to have a baby, but I asked him to wait. There is still work to do, we need to fulfill the five-year plans in three years. Then it was thirty. It was too late to give birth according to society, but I decided that my time had not yet come. The prime of my life and my career. The husband was waiting. Fourty years. I promised him every time6 that next year - I’m successful, I’m the boss.

Olga, 58 years old

“I wanted to achieve financial independence and began to look for different ways to build a business. The guna of passion took full possession of me, and for 13 years I dropped out of women’s life, and was looking for opportunities to build a business with all my might. How I regret these lost years now! Because at that time it was the time between 30 and 40 years old, the time when you need to build a family, give birth to children. It’s good that I managed to give birth to a daughter while married. And during this time I did not live as a woman at all - no men around, no creativity, the house was abandoned, only thoughts about how to earn more money.

But as soon as I stopped looking for an opportunity to earn money, a good job “came” to me in the specialty for which I studied immediately after school, and from which I went into economics to be able to earn more. Money began to come to me easily.

And most importantly, love came into my life, I met a worthy man. Yes, a completely different life has begun, and one could have enjoyed it much more if not for age. Whatever one may say, every age has its own task. At my age, I already need to learn to be a grandmother and pass on wisdom to the younger generation. And I’m just learning this wisdom myself and dreaming of more children. Because it is unacceptably small to give birth and raise only one child. Yes, I have grown up to be a very good daughter (although I now have to change many of the male attitudes that I had instilled into female ones), but I dreamed of more. Yes, you can change everything after 40, but it is much more difficult. Therefore, realize that you are a woman as early as possible, and believe that if you realize your feminine destiny, everything else in your life will definitely work out.”

Tatyana, 45 years old

“I had no relatives in my city, and my mother died. The eldest daughter was 9 years old. I became pregnant with twins. There is a crisis in the “yard”, unemployment, I have no job at all. The husband said that there were no twins in his family and it was unknown where such a pregnancy came from... he left. My daughter and I were left alone. It was very scary how I was alone without my husband, mother, or relatives.

When I was pregnant, my girlfriends secretly took over me as if they were nearby. Things for the baby, like in a fairy tale, appeared from somewhere (either girlfriends would bring them, then there would be an opportunity to earn money and buy them, or they would just be given by almost strangers)
She gave birth to two wonderful boys, herself. No caesarean. Yes, it was very not calm, it was physically difficult - the boys suckled breasts every 2 hours, the automatic machine simply burned out after 2 weeks of continuous operation. But magically, the machine appeared, and the diapers were given by strangers with whom I had previously worked.

Everything was very difficult, but now my daughter is 21, the boys are 12, and we remember with smiles how our uncomfortable huge stroller overturned when I left my daughter alone to bring groceries home, how we simultaneously woke up from the silence in the house, and our uglies learned how to untangle rubber bands All bulk products were scattered on the cabinet doors and in an even layer throughout the apartment. It was and is very difficult. If God gave you children, the whole universe will support you! This I now know for sure.”

Lada, 42 years old

“I got married at 25 and gave birth to my eldest daughter at 26. The birth was difficult because I got caught up in the shift change of the medical staff and no one cared about me. Head injury in a child. The doctor stated that he would be disabled. However, the daughter pulled through. I am a doctor myself, I understand perfectly well what the consequences could be. Problems before school: logoneurosis, stuttering. Speech therapist, injections, massage, but the improvement is not great. She was strict with her daughter and listened to all the doctors. There is zero contact with my daughter. She was not allowed to hug or kiss herself.

14 years have passed, we study in a regular school, in a regular class. Although our first grade teachers assigned us to special education, we did not give up. Yes, we will not graduate from college, but we will have secondary vocational education. My daughter loves me, we have a trusting relationship with her as much as possible. And I don’t insist on either A’s or B’s. The most important thing is her happy eyes, that she likes studying in this class, that she likes her teacher. And thank God for everything! He gave me the strength to overcome this lesson!

Lera, 41 years old

Although in fact, even here, different options are possible - at any age. If there is a desire and aspiration, there is love in the heart that you want to give to children... Our daughter was born in 92. We lived and worked at BAM. The purposeful collapse of the road and everything connected with it began. They didn’t pay wages, there was nothing to live on. We moved to the Caucasus, but failed to fit into our new life... Almost 10 years of terrible poverty... We didn’t think about any more children... Then it became easier. Now we have two adopted daughters, 8 and 12 years old, the eldest is a 5th year psychologist. What I mean is that it’s never too late to make your dreams come true.

Lyubov, 53 years old

There is an age to study, there is an age to get married, there is an age to give birth, there is an age to raise children, there is an age to do something good in the world, and there is an age to pray. And 40 years in this regard is the age for almost everything.

I have an understanding of what I want, what I like. That is, I already know myself – at least a little. I can still have children. I have a head on my shoulders - I’m already thinking about the consequences of my actions. In general, I can do a lot of things.

Actually, understanding all the hardships of making a choice at such a golden age (although each age has its own advantages), we conducted a study.

So we asked women what they regret now in their thirties. What would they do differently, what would they advise others. And based on the results, this is the TOP 5.

5th place

Regret about not strengthening the relationship with her husband – 601 people – 30% of respondents

“I gave birth to three children one after another. And my husband was happy with me. We raised them together. But almost always we were only parents. We stopped being a couple. We only talked to each other about children. We did everything for the sake of the children. Now the children have left, and we are left alone with each other. I don’t know this man, as if it wasn’t with him that I recently celebrated my thirtieth marriage anniversary.”

Marina, 56 years old

4th place

Regret that all efforts were spent on work, but there was no time for loved ones - 674 people 34% of respondents

“Now I understand that all my problems with my daughter come from the fact that I never strived to be her mother to the fullest. I always felt like a specialist, first and foremost, a highly qualified engineer. Therefore, I worked a lot and was constantly away on business trips. When my children were sick, my husband and grandmothers were with them. But not me. I had no time. And today my daughter is almost forty. We have no dialogue with her. She's ruining her life and I can't do anything about it."

Irina, 62 years old

3rd place

Regret that I traveled little and saw little - 744 people - 38% of respondents

Strictly speaking, even at eighty years old it’s not too late. These are not children who have grown up and flown away, nor are they of childbearing age, which has its limits. The problem is that in our country, when we retire, we lose the opportunity to live and begin to survive. Our pensioners do not travel around the world like German or American ones. Maximum - only for the dacha.

Therefore, for those who are retired here, it seems to me, two components are important.

I didn’t travel when I could have earned money and saved for it.
Now I could travel, but I don’t have the money (or health) for it.

Let’s also remember that 40 years is not retirement yet – you can do everything! The children have grown up, if there are any. And there are still opportunities - and there may be everything ahead!

Traveling is not necessarily far, long and expensive.

2nd place

Regret that she gave birth to few children - 744 people 38% of respondents and another 113 people who regret abortions

“I really regret the abortions I had. I thought I still need to learn, I’m very young, this man is not so smart, responsible...etc. (if he’s not like that... why sleep with him? You have to think first, and then start a close relationship.)”

Irina, 38 years old

1 place

Regret about throwing yourself into the far corner – 998 people, 50% of respondents

“No women are the same, not even similar. Each is a separate Universe! It is not true that everyone wants to be a wife and mother. Some people want to be hippies, some want to do business, some want to travel, and some want to stay home. And all this is normal! Strange, failed, offended by fate - these are the labels of ignorant people. I was a wife and mother for 23 years and all this time I felt bad. I was them through force. Now my son has grown up, my husband has left, and only at the age of 44 did I spread my wings. Everyone thinks I'm in love! I just feel good! I don't owe anyone anything at all! I walk down the street and involuntarily smile! This has never happened before. I wore decent, but “alien” clothes. And now I only do what I want and I don’t care about other people’s opinions.”

Sofia, 45 years old

I wish everyone happiness! I hope these stories can inspire you to make changes and live your life brighter!

Olga Valyaeva

We asked women what they regret now in their thirties. What would they do differently, what would they advise others. And based on the results, this is the TOP 5.

5th PLACE

Regret that I did not strengthen the relationship with my husband - 601 people - 30% of respondents

Marina, 56 years old

“When I got married, everything was great. Then we decided it was time to have children, and our eldest came along. Having gone to work, I understand that without a higher education I can’t get anywhere (I had a secondary vocational education at the time), my husband is in favor. I got carried away with my studies, at the same time I gave birth to my youngest child, and I decided that since God gave it, my husband is happy, so be it. It was very difficult to juggle, but my parents helped, my husband used to give me lectures, babysit for the children, and overall we managed - I graduated.

Irina, 38 years old

4TH PLACE

Regret that all efforts were spent on work, but there was no time for loved ones - 674 people 34% of respondents

Irina, 62 years old

“I got married early. My three beautiful beloved girls were born in the marriage. In the intervals between children, I received an education (first I graduated from a sewing school, and then from a pedagogical institute), but I was not able to work in my specialty.
All my attempts to build a career ended in endless illnesses of children and various kinds of difficulties at home.

But one day a friend of mine, a businesswoman (successful by society’s standards in everything - career, car, apartment), came to visit us. My daughters and I were bustling around in the kitchen, baking pizza, and my friend was sitting on the couch watching us.

And suddenly I saw tears in her eyes and she told me: “Lord, how happy you are!” and at that moment all doubts about my failure to succeed disappeared like smoke! Suddenly it dawned on me - I AM THE HAPPIEST, THE MOST SUCCESSFUL AND THE MOST NEEDED!!!

Natalya, 40 years old.

3RD PLACE

Regret that I traveled little and saw little - 744 people - 38% of respondents

Therefore, for those who are retired here, it seems to me, two components are important.

I didn’t travel when I could have earned money and saved for it.
Now I could travel, but I don’t have the money (or health) for it.
Maybe that's why we haven't been sent any stories about this. Imagine, out of 700 stories, not a single one is about travel or countries. This makes me think about how much this is our desire, and not a vector of society.

Traveling is not necessarily far, long and expensive.

2ND PLACE

Regret that she gave birth to few children - 744 people 38% of respondents and another 113 people who regret abortions

Irina, 38 years old

“If this helps stop at least one girl in a difficult situation and gives her time to think, I will be glad.
Married for 20 years. She got married deliberately. And no matter how life turned, it was always based on feelings from childhood. From the age of 7-8 I knew that I would definitely get married and have many children. From the age of 15-16, a firm conviction appeared that marriage was once and for all.
Pregnancy came before the wedding. I had an abortion. In 1993
Now look at the chronology:
1994 - surgery (ectopic pregnancy).
1995 - premature birth, son died two days later.
1998 - full-term birth, daughter dies after two operations.
2000 - miscarriage at 6 months.
2001 - frozen pregnancy at 12 weeks.
And this is called OAA-complicated obstetric history.
Traditional medicine could not explain anything.
All. This is where my persistence ended and my husband and I “closed this topic.”
Then, a few years later, there were a couple more pregnancies. Finished very early, so for me
this was no longer a big shock.
Bottom line. Our daughter is now 3 years old, she is our fairy tale girl. It's a gift for us. In all senses. Prayed and suffered. I did it. How it was given to me and my husband, only God knows.

1 PLACE

Regret about throwing yourself into the far corner – 998 people, 50% of respondents

Sofia, 45 years old

“I really enjoyed singing. It was the most favorite thing in my life. But only when I turned 58 did I start doing this. And before that, I only did things that brought me little pleasure and that’s why I was unhappy.”

Nelya, 59 years old

“I tried to prove to my mother that I was not stupid and at least pretty. That's why I became a TV journalist. 13 years old. I found fame, but not happiness. Then I decided to find out what it’s like to get a big salary? I had a high income, but I spent most of my money on branded clothing to please my employer and meet the dress code. An absurd situation: you receive money from your employer and spend it to match the employer :) In general, financial solvency did not console me. I quit my job and started doing creative work. Today I create notebooks, organize master classes and exhibitions of masters. My husband immediately began to move up the career ladder, and his income increased. Today I know that dreams come true."

Lilia, 44 years old

“A simple story, like many others. My mother’s words, accidentally heard in childhood: “Your Natasha is smart, Anna is beautiful, but mine... neither this nor that.” And the young girl rushed to prove to her mother that she existed, that she could study, work, play sports... and she did so until she was 35 years old, until she realized that I was not living my own life. It’s good that I realized it in time, it’s not easy, I had to uproot something... and now not everything is smooth, it’s hard to learn at forty years to be a good wife, to give in, to trust, to inspire... To be a good mother, because you don’t know how, you only know how not necessary. But I am completely happy - my wife is 2 years old and my daughter is 9 months old. Thank you to the Lord, I enlightened you and gave you gifts, kissed me on the crown.”

Elena, 42 years old

There were other things, oh
which the women spoke. Many people said that it would be good to take care of your health while you have it. This became especially true for those over 50 years old. Still, at forty you still have health. Many wrote about the need to find your own path, and not earn money in generally accepted professions. Many talked about how harmful bad habits are for women - smoking, alcohol.

“It was very difficult at first. I didn’t know how to live further, I felt fully my orphanhood. I woke up and went to bed alone and defenseless. My family helped me adapt to my new life.

This acute feeling of orphanhood has passed over time, but the memory of my beloved and loving parents, thank God, is constantly present. They live with us in our conversations, individual remarks. My daughter and I don’t understand when they say that someone just sometimes remembers their relatives who have gone to other worlds. And we never forget about them! They are ALWAYS present with us, we don’t need to remember them. They are in our everyday life and holidays; they are in our words and thoughts; Yes, by and large, we are parts of them! Those we love LIVE!!!

The only thing I grieve about is that I DIDN’T LOVE, I UNDERSAID, I LACKED CARE, TENDERNESS, ATTENTION during their lifetime. This is my burden now that is darkening my life.

Girls, remember! In due time you will also be orphaned, just like me! WHAT and WHO will you be left with then?! Will your heart bleed and suffer from the feeling of your own guilt for your callous, cold, inattentive attitude towards those who gave you life? Will anyone be able to cry into their vest? Will there be those who need you nearby, who are the meaning of your life, your core, your anchor, your continuation, to whom will you pass the baton of love and sacrifice? Think about it. The future is created by your hands and hearts now!”

Actually, understanding all the hardships of making a choice at such a golden age (although each age has its own advantages), we conducted a study.

So, we asked women what they regret now in their forties. What would they do differently, what would they advise others. And based on the results, this is the TOP 5.

5th place

Regret about not strengthening the relationship with her husband – 601 people – 30% of respondents

Marina, 56 years old

4th place

Regret that all efforts were spent on work, but there was no time for loved ones - 674 people 34% of respondents

Women now run businesses, build careers, and receive many higher educations. To be independent, self-sufficient, to provide for yourself and your family, your children, everything you need - and even beyond that. Buy an apartment, a car, a dacha, a vacation, a lot of toys...

Irina, 62 years old