How to Raise a Child to Be an Anxious, Suspicious Perfectionist. Difficult kids. Education lessons. How to prevent or stop the problem

An offensive ailment for a fragile psyche, especially if it also knocked down a smart, talented child. The virus of perfectionism is transmitted by airborne droplets from parents, and my modest experience says that in childhood it is not treated. You can only work to ensure that the disease proceeds in a mild form.

The main symptom in childhood: the phrase "When I go on stage / to the board - I seem to forget everything / everything flies out of my head / suddenly a block appears, and I no longer know what to do."

I cannot judge the harm of perfectionism in other areas of life, but in our piano business it is one of the main brakes on progress. A student with an acute form is difficult to teach - he dwells on feelings of failure for a long time, takes every little thing to heart, instead of thinking about the matter.

You can't send such a child to the competition - he will definitely break down, no matter how prepared he is, he expects this unconsciously. The slightest blot is enough for just the good to cease to have value and slide into the bad. Because why try further, because "everything that is acquired by overwork is already dead." Tears and tantrums are guaranteed to the teacher, and the nervous system is dear to me as a memory.

Patient: Anna, 7 years old, started piano a year ago. Worked out 45 minutes a week through a stump deck. There were good moments when I believed and began to cheer in every possible way. But the girl became bored when she discovered that efforts do not always lead to a successful result; began to be lazy, lie, evade. To any remark "let's replay more clearly here", "let's think and calculate" - the answer is "I still won't succeed". I go to my parents for help. And they told me: "Anna is a perfectionist, and they say so at school. If she fails once, she immediately loses interest and tries to quit."

For two years, Anna gave up dancing, modeling, gymnastics, and yesterday the piano; but sister Lu continues to do all this successfully.

Anna's twin sister, Lou, started dating this September, and I split the time (45 minutes) between the two girls. Lou, without any self-flagellation, just listens and performs, more often average than good. He does not hear intonation, but these are all trifles, the intellect is good, like that of his sister. In four months, Lou, having a lesson of 20 minutes a week, caught up and overtook her sister, playing at the concert modestly, but exactly the way we worked in the class.

Yesterday, for the first time in a year, I had a full 45-minute lesson with her. What a relief it was; as if a mountain had been lifted off my shoulders. How much we have done. I don't know if it will go on like this, but I thought it was a pity for all this time, which could have been usefully given to Lou from the very beginning.

Anna, meanwhile, asked her parents to enroll her in figure skating and sewing. She wants to find herself. A possible virtue of perfectionism is to retreat from what was "not yours."

By the way. In recent years, a fashion has appeared: when interviewing with an employer, the answer to the question "list your shortcomings" is "perfectionism." This is advised by all profile articles and sites; supposedly, in fact, perfectionism in work is not a disadvantage, but a virtue. I don’t know if the employer falls for this snag, but this is a real drawback.

Perfectionism poisons people's lives

Perfectionism is not at all a quality that can make a person happy. Although perfectionism is not seen as a clinical disease, it can make people's lives miserable. After all, perfectionists are prone to depression, anxiety, and even suicide when things go really badly for them.

Many people mistakenly believe that perfectionism helps children rise to the highest possible level of development, learning, achievement, whether in sports, creativity, or some other chosen field. However, such achievements cannot be attributed to perfectionism, they are the result of hard work. Perfectionism, on the other hand, tends to detract from success.

Perfectionism causes a persistent state of dissatisfaction, which is constantly fueled by a flood of negative emotions such as fear, frustration, disappointment, excitement, and anxiety.
If you are a perfectionist, then you will most likely not even be able to enjoy your successes, because there will always be something that you could do better.
Failure is not an option for perfectionists; the fear of failure becomes the driving force behind their performance. Such fear consumes a person's energy - the energy that he could spend in a more constructive way, for example, on a better quality of education or creativity.
Perfectionists spend a huge amount of energy on what they are desperately trying to avoid, because they perceive failure and criticism as a disaster. Such preoccupation becomes an obvious reason for their failure in sports, studies and the resolution of social situations.
Perfectionism, like any fixed mindset, keeps kids from taking risks and challenges. But they are one of the best ways to move from good to more perfect.
Perfectionism encourages children to hide their mistakes and avoid constructive feedback - avoid criticism. But it is the constructive perception of criticism that helps to correct shortcomings and achieve more.

Perfectionism is not about setting high expectations or being successful in your endeavors. It is about anxiety and fear of mistakes and the opinions of others - this is the root of the problem.

As a rule, children are not born perfectionists, they are formed such by their immediate environment. The more pressure parents put on their children to achieve certain results, the more children become perfectionists.

Therefore, if parents notice behavior that provokes the formation of perfectionism in children, they should think about how to stop pressure on children and prevent it in the future. And in order to eliminate the consequences of parental behavior, you need to help children stop being perfectionists.

How to help your child stop being a perfectionist

The biggest fear of a perfectionist is failure. The worst-case scenario for a perfectionist is to make a mistake, and then other people (significant people) will find out about it.

Perfectionist logic: “If I stop obsessing over how to be perfect → I become imperfect → I feel terrible.”

This is definitely false logic. To wean a person from perfectionism, you need to show him that when he makes a mistake or fails, nothing bad will happen, and he will not feel terrible.

Perfectionists believe that their value depends on their level of performance, so if they don't do something well, they won't be worth anything. That's why they think that if they try not to be perfect, they will feel terrible.
Perfectionists tend to think that failure to achieve certain results will seriously weaken the affection, attention, and even love for them of their parents and loved ones.

Here's how to help a perfectionist stop being like that:

1. Invite your child to do something that provokes his perfectionism. For example, ask him to draw something that he has never drawn before, such as an oak with a spreading crown.

2. Ask him to do it intentionally badly. A perfectionist needs to learn a lesson: if he fails, nothing terrible will happen.

3. Ask your child what it means to him that he drew a scary and ugly oak tree. Does he think this means he is not a good artist? Does he think that since he is not a good artist, he is not worth anything? What does he feel about it?

Explain how Thomas Edison failed over 1,000 times before he successfully created the light bulb.

Help your child understand and make sure that you do not care at all whether he is a good artist or not - you love him just the way he is.

4. Ask your child how he feels now. Most likely, he does not feel terrible, but he feels your love and care. Point it out to him: “You seem to feel good even after doing something that you didn’t succeed with.” Congratulate your child for not being afraid to try something new and taking risks.

5. If repeated training is required, you can develop the necessary scenarios yourself, taking into account the characteristics of your child, in which case they will be more suitable for him and, accordingly, will be more effective. The main thing is to help your child not take everything to heart.

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Think perfectionism is a good quality? Perfectionism is terrible: it sucks all the juice out of the child and gives nothing in return, not even the joy of achievement.

You may have heard some city parents say, “My son worked all night on a chemistry project. He loves to perfect everything." But such parents most likely do not understand that perfectionism is a serious psychological problem, and not a blessing.

If you're raising a perfectionist, you've probably noticed that it's quite hard: torn paper all over the room, long evenings over textbooks and notebooks, and nervous breakdowns are just a few of the hallmarks of the behavior of a young lover to do everything impeccably.

Perfectionism takes a lot of energy from a child: a breakdown after a sports mistake or a few hours with a smartphone at the ready to take a perfect selfie does not look so harmless. And if you do not try to influence this, then in later life there may be even more problems.

What does perfectionism instill in children?

It is wonderful when a child strives for more, but if he expects perfection from himself, then he will never be able to enjoy the fruits of his labors.

Perfectionists set themselves unrealistic goals. They then place enormous pressure on their shoulders to achieve those goals. Their thinking can be described by the saying "make or break". If such a child receives 99 points out of 100 on the exam or makes 9 out of 10 successful shots in basketball, then for him it will be a complete failure - the goal was not fulfilled.

When such children succeed, they cannot enjoy their achievement. They constantly belittle their victories and worry that they will not be able to repeat the high result.

Types of perfectionism

Some researchers believe that a child can be an "adaptive perfectionist" and that unrealistic expectations of themselves can serve them well in life. However, most scientists agree that perfectionism is only harmful.

Scholars identify three distinct types of perfectionism:

Ego perfectionists- they expect the unreal from themselves;
Extra perfectionists– set unrealistic standards for others;
Social perfectionists- believe that others (teacher or parents) set unrealistic goals for them.

All three types are extremely dangerous for a happy and successful life of a child.

Symptoms

Symptoms of this phenomenon may vary, depending on the age of the child and the type of perfectionism. But in general, the symptoms are:

High sensitivity to criticism;
Trouble shutting down work because it's constantly "too bad";
Procrastination - avoiding difficult tasks;
Self-criticism, self-confidence and vulnerability;
Very critical approach to other people;
Problems with decision making and prioritization;
Loss of strength and apathy in case of error;
High level of anxiety.

Risk factors

Scientists believe there are several factors that can lead to perfectionism in children.

Biological factors– Research shows that perfectionism is often associated with certain mental disorders, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder or eating disorders. This allows scientists to conclude that perfectionism has biological causes.
Influence of parents Praises like "the smartest kid in the whole school" or "the strongest athlete in the school" can lead the child to learn that making mistakes is bad. The child begins to feel that he needs to succeed at all costs.
Perfectionist Parents - Such parents are much more likely to raise a perfectionist. There may be a genetic explanation for this, or children simply accept the "ideal" behavior of their parents as a role model.
Pressure at school Children may be afraid that a poor result on the USE or an intermediate test may reduce their chances of getting into a good university. Others try to do well in order to get various scholarships. Academic pressure can make children feel like they have to be perfect in order to achieve something.

The thin line between success and failure The media is constantly painting portraits of the perfect pop stars or athletes. At the same time, the media is capable of destroying any star due to one celebrity mistake. Such experiences convince children that they need to be perfect.
Desire to please Some children want others to admire them, for this, of course, you have to be perfect in everything. Sometimes this can lead to extremely sad consequences.
Low self-esteem - A child who is dissatisfied with himself may begin to think that he is only his achievement. Perfectionists constantly focus only on their mistakes and belittle their achievements.
Trauma - Traumatic experiences can cause a child to feel unloved or not accepted by society if they are not perfect.

The Dangers of Perfectionism

Perfectionism will not lead a child to success. Everything can turn out quite the opposite. Here are a few problems that can happen to a perfectionist child.

The fear of making a mistake prevents a perfectionist from leading in any business. Fear of failure prevents them from trying new things.
Perfectionist children often hide their pain and confusion. They have to look perfect from the outside, so they experience their failures alone.
Perfectionism can lead to health problems. Perfectionists are under constant threat of depression, high anxiety and other mental disorders.
Constant high levels of stress. A perfectionist has to constantly avoid making mistakes, so he puts himself under constant pressure to make one. We all know well that stress will not make anyone physically and emotionally healthy.

How to deal with perfectionism

If you notice symptoms of perfectionism in a child, you can help him. Here are a few ways to beat perfectionism.

Praise more often and not only for achievements. Do not praise the child if he brings home several "fives" in a row, praise him for his good work. Also praise your child for being a good person or for treating others. Make it clear to your child that achievement is not the only important thing in life.
Tell me about your own mistakes. Let your child see that no one in the world is perfect. Tell us about a time you didn't get a job or failed an exam or test. Focus on what helped you deal with failure.

Teach your child how to deal with stress. Mistakes always hurt us, but that doesn't mean they can't be overcome. Tell your child how to deal with disappointment, rejection, or a mistake: talk to a friend, keep a diary, draw. There are many options for venting your negative emotions.
Teach your child healthy self-talk. Let the child use self-compassion instead of self-criticism. Have a self-talk in front of your child to show him that there are other ways to evaluate yourself besides criticism. Teach phrases like “I forgot to go to the bank today. Well, I'll try to get to the bank tomorrow after all" or "I forgot about the stove and ruined dinner. I’ll find something else to cook with and this time I’ll be very careful.”
Follow behind their expectations. The main thing in the treatment of perfectionism is not to put pressure on the child. Set reasonable and realistic goals for him. And review your expectations from time to time: are you expecting too much from your child? If the child is not doing well or is trying to avoid achieving your goals, then you definitely overdid it.

Teach your child to determine what he can control and what he can't. Does your child want to be the best football player in school, or do they want to do well in all of their final exams? This is good, but explain to him that success does not depend entirely on him, there will always be circumstances that he cannot control. He cannot control the mood and professionalism of the teacher or coach, as well as the talents and work of other students in the school.
Help your child set goals for themselves. Talk to your child about his future. If in his goals the need to be perfect slips through, then explain to him the dangers of setting such a task and help him adjust the goal.
Develop healthy self-esteem in your child. Offer your child activities that he can excel at and enjoy. Volunteering, learning new things, playing musical instruments are some of the great methods of nurturing a child's healthy self-esteem.

When to Seek Professional Help

Carefully watch that the child's perfectionism does not bring him social problems. For example, if your child does not communicate with anyone because he wants to get the best grade in the subject or no one wants to be friends with him because he cries every time he does not get an "A". In this case, it is worth seeking the help of a professional, because this can harm the future life of the child in society.

Problems in studies are the second signal to take the child to a psychologist. Example: a child cannot turn in any project or creative work, because they do not correspond to his concept of the ideal.

If you know your child is a perfectionist, talk to their therapist. Tell us about the symptoms of the problem you see and how they affect the child's life.

The therapist may refer the child to a specialist to evaluate their condition. A professional will help the child get rid of the annoying striving for perfection.

If your parents are perfectionists: 6 childhood traumas

Every one of us wants to be the perfect mom from time to time. Fortunately, for most, the delusion passes quickly, and we return to the desire to be "good enough." But what if, in striving to become perfection, the parent knows no bounds? How might this affect the child? The expert says "Oh!" psychologist Anna Skavitina.

Perfectionism is the desire for constant perfection, the achievement of maximum results in everything. To paraphrase a well-known expression, everything should be perfect for a real perfectionist: nails, thoughts, profession, and standard of living. And children. Perfectionist children must be perfect, because they create the right sense of "I am a super parent" in an aspiring mother or father. Seeing the imperfections of life and your own children is a terrible, tearing pain. A perfectionist and his (her) children should have only the best: the best stroller, food, clothes, education, teachers. Children who study at the “yard school and eat what the hell” are looked down upon, sympathizing with how unlucky they are.

They are ready to spend a huge amount of time searching for the best in the world, comparing everything with everything, sitting on forums and websites, asking questions. They are not satisfied with the price / quality ratio, they care about the best, the best of which is confirmed by the community they respect. In the speech of a perfectionist parent, there are a lot of words “super”, “the best”, “the best”, “in the tops of the rating”. The words "normal", "enough" are equivalent to "it's mediocre" and "it doesn't suit us".

There are grains of perfectionism in almost every one of us, because everyone strives for success, victories, achievements, but perfectionists have excessively high expectations from themselves and others, the bar of achievements does not correspond to today's reality.

If the parent is a perfectionist, then the child...

...may not be born at all

One family, desperate to give birth to a child of the ideal zodiac sign, after 10 years of trying, decided to give up and make it not so perfect. No, the same zodiac sign, but through ... artificial insemination (IVF). It took them about 5 more unsuccessful years, a lot of money and health. But perfectionists don't give up! They adopted an adopted child of the right astrological sign, after which they finally admitted that ... this astrological sign is not perfect. The child was returned to the orphanage.

... has no room for error

The path of growing up is a path of trial and error, but it is too hard to endure how your child, that is, almost yourself, makes mistakes. Therefore, parents try to do everything for the child. Quickly, neatly and correctly, thereby depriving him of the opportunity to independently acquire life experience. A conversation with perfectionist parents often looks like this:

Do you spoon feed him?

Yes, he does not know how to eat neatly!

Do you teach for him?

Not for him, but with him together! He doesn’t come up with a project himself, he makes mistakes, he doesn’t remember anything, he gets twos, he doesn’t have any initiative and his own thoughts at all! Why not control it at all?

Such children grow up with an insufficient number of independent skills, which is extremely easy to explain.

…has a hard time learning to deal with failure

Perfectionist parents endure the failures of their child with pain, feel like losers and pass this feeling on to their children. Failure becomes not an incentive to try again and again to solve this problem, to do this thing in different ways, but a factor that whispers: “Give it all away, it’s too unpleasant to feel not successful, it’s better to just not even start.” Even if perfectionist parents try to support a child as a result of failure, it sounds like a fake. He knows how mom and dad really feel about losing. A “Four” in school is a failure, and a “Three” is simply the loss of all hope for a future ideal life.

... with difficulty learn to believe in their own strength

The child of perfectionist parents knows for sure what is expected of him and understands that he will not be able to live up to this right now. But it’s scary to get involved in the work, there is a big chance that nothing will work anyway, or it will work, but not immediately, which is tantamount to failure.

It is better to save energy and give up: it is still impossible to achieve the level of parental expectations. It is especially difficult for children whose parents have achieved a lot in this life. Competing with such moms and dads without support is almost impossible, especially in the same social area.

This is exactly the case when they say: "nature rests on great children." Although in fact often the children of the "great" simply include an anti-script: I do not need to want anything in life and have nothing to dream about.

…will constantly compare himself to others who are always better and more successful

From childhood, perfectionist parents inspire their children that the “son of a mother’s friend” is better, that the opinion of others is more important and that you need to focus on him in life and that you should not trust your feelings, because they can be wrong. Such children grow up with a firm belief that there is always someone more successful in the world, and they will never achieve this.

…prone to constant anxiety or panic attacks, possibly depressive states

All the negativity coming from parents is directed at the child and his achievements. Growing up, such children live with these canned feelings inside, sometimes without even realizing the reasons.

Can a child of perfectionist parents make a difference?

Can't while he's a child. After all, he does not yet know that it is different and he needs to adapt to this particular family, this mother, otherwise he will not survive. The child cannot say: “Mom, leave me alone with your claims, I can’t do this yet, I need time to gain experience, and then I will gradually learn.”

If in this text you recognize yourself or you yourself are already an adult child of perfectionist parents and suddenly realized that something is wrong with this life:

analyze the problem, understand that the topic of excessive perfectionism is close to you;

if you have doubts (and people usually do not notice their perfectionism), talk to family and friends about it. Ask for feedback.

accept the fact that major changes take a long time;

You can't get rid of perfectionism completely. Getting rid of perfectionism completely is also perfectionism, only turned inside out.

analyze your expectations, goals and fantasies of achievement. Think about whether they exactly match your capabilities and abilities. Lower the bar where you dare.

learn to capture small results. Yours and the child. Speak daily 5 small successes that you and / or your child have achieved on their own;

evaluate your mistakes and the mistakes of the child, as a process of learning and development, and not a fatal failure. Consider what they can teach you;

try to specifically do what you are afraid of, maybe quite small. Something that could end in failure or error. Don't tackle your biggest fears right away - don't feed perfectionism. Praise yourself for this little feat. Do this again and again until you notice that the fears recede.

seek help from specialists if you can’t cope with anxiety and panic on your own; it is less frightening than being in such a state all your life;

All people are not perfect, and we are with you. Our individuality and value are not only in our merits, but also in our features and shortcomings. It makes us alive and real, but it's not so easy to accept.

Read other articles by Anna Skavitina:

The article is intended for parents who do not want to raise a neurotic person out of their child, who can only fall into depressive or irritable states when they do not get what they want.

Perfectionist- a person who strives, loves and requires only the ideal. Everything else is considered wrong, bad and unnecessary.

How many perfect people do you know? Ever experienced a perfectly organized job? Have you seen the perfect love couples?

Since the ideal is something unattainable in real life, parents should think about parenting methods so as not to cultivate perfectionism in their children.

Often parents themselves are perfectionists, which they nurture in their own children through the desire to make them the very best.

Since adults want to look like the best moms and dads in the eyes of others, they achieve this at the expense of the ideality of their own children.

Their children should study only excellently, read poems better than anyone else, run faster, be the best in absolutely everything. If, for some reason, teachers do not notice this or infringe on the ability of students to show all their talents, then parents go to them to find out the reasons for such behavior.

Parents, along with perfectionism, develop neurosis and depression in their children.

Moms and dads inspire the idea that kids should be the best always, everywhere and in everything. Other children may learn poorly or not be able to do something, but they should excel in everything. It is at this stage of upbringing that parents convey the idea that children have no right to make mistakes. And since a person a priori cannot but make mistakes in real life, achieve perfection, which may not exist, children develop nervous disorders and depression.

Parents demand perfection from their children, respectively, their requirements will become more and more stringent every year.

Since the ideal is something vague, sometimes ephemeral and unattainable, the child is simply not destined to receive praise and approval from his parents. Dad and mom will always be unhappy with him, pointing out his shortcomings that he has. And merits and intermediate successes will not deserve their attention.

It should be noted that in this case, the parents themselves form the ideal image and force the child to conform to it. It is not the child himself who determines what he should be, but adults form the ideal, which is often unattainable with the help of the child's capabilities and abilities. All this is often supported by similar phrases: “If you want to be loved, you must be the best in everything! You have the right to rejoice when you achieve success/perfection. Until then, keep working."

Such upbringing measures lead to getting used to the harsh conditions of life, when the child must constantly strive for perfection, never rejoice at the successes achieved, ask society what else needs to be corrected in it.

It is the perfectionist who has low self-esteem, because he never considers himself perfect, unique, ideal, despite all the shortcomings. The lack of the ability to enjoy what you already have, and the desire to be liked by absolutely all people, lowers self-esteem, causes a depressive state and loss in all the diversity of life.