What if you are a mistress. Temporary status: what awaits you if you are a lover, says the psychologist How to be if you are a lover

How did you want to be the only one for him, but it turned out that your husband pays attention not only to you?

In addition, he gradually stops communicating with you, because she appeared, his passion, with which he spends a lot of time.

What is left for you to do, leave or fight for your husband, with whom you have lived for so many years?

If you decide to keep the marriage

Quite a tricky decision. Most women accept it, because it is a pity to destroy their usual family life, to leave children without a father.

In these situations, women "gnaw the ground with their teeth," just to discourage their lover from their mistress.

To not pay attention.

In practice, it works like this: the spouse can himself understand his mistake and return to his wife and children. If you do not attach importance to your husband's festivities, he will quickly return to the family.

Influence it with examples.

You can tell your sweetheart that you became aware of how the neighbor Grishka, who went on a spree, brought some infectious disease to his wife. Risky, but nevertheless, many traitors react to this argument.

Become better than her.

But you need to do this in such a way that the husband does not think that you are changing for his sake.

There must be some mystery in this: you stayed late after work, suddenly became cheerful, bought yourself flowers.

Your spouse will certainly react to such a turn, because he believes that you will not get away from him.

To ridicule the flaws of his mistress.

If you know anything about her, you can turn it into devaluation of her person.

Maybe over time, your spouse will open his eyes to her negative traits?

Turn her into your girlfriend.

This method is used very carefully, because everything can turn against you.

You can't get emotionally attached to her to keep the situation under control. In such circumstances, the husband will be afraid of your friendship with her and will stop running "to the left."

What not to do:

Manipulate your husband with the help of your children.

Asking suspicious questions to your spouse.

To impose your communication on him by any means.

Promise something in return to her husband if he leaves his mistress.

To take revenge on your spouse by having an affair on the side.

Catching a rival at every corner, threatening to deal with her.

If you decide to divorce

This step is taken by women who do not want to reconcile with their spouse. There is no need to condemn them, because they themselves are responsible for their own destiny.

Collect all your divorce papers.

Be patient in the early months of a divorce. Your strength will still be useful to you.

Allow children to see their father. They are not to blame for the disintegration of your marriage.

Accept the situation as it is. If he left for another, it means that at the initial stage of the relationship with him you missed some signs indicating a possible betrayal.

Don't stop other men from paying attention to you.

When a mistress comes to the family, there are two ways out: either you can defeat her, or leave the battlefield, leaving your husband to her. To endure endless betrayal is not the best solution for a woman who is confident in her own strengths and can re-arrange her personal happiness.

Elena Gutyro

A married man is a seemingly lost object for the female. There is a stamp in the passport, a ring on the right hand, period! Well, in any case, it should be so ideally. But in reality everything is not so. Today, married men are no less interested in the weak half of humanity than single men. And they themselves, with rare exceptions, are not at all averse to having an affair on the side. Such romances are found all the time, and society already even discusses them especially. The man in this case is usually quite satisfied with the existing situation. Unless, of course, the legal wife does not suspect about the adventures of the faithful on the side, and the behavior of his mistress meets all his expectations. In this case, the relationship with her can last for years. But what should a young lady do in such a situation, who seems to be not married, and at the same time does not belong to herself? How to behave with a married man if he fools his head with promises without taking any decisive steps?

Features of relations with a married man

They say that men, they say, being even happily ringed, are always not averse to playing intimate love with some attractive lady. But, to be honest, nowadays many ladies themselves are not against relationships with married men. Previously, such relationships were considered too immoral, and a woman with a family lover instantly fell into the ranks of persons of easy virtue. Even if he was her only one. And now, in some cases, such lovers are even an element of prestige. However, all discussions about the moral aspect of such relations are in fact empty chatter. May the moralists forgive us, but the fact remains that a man with a stamp in his passport never ceases to be a man. This means that other women may well like him. And they to him too. And when sympathies coincide, few people think about morality. The two throw themselves into each other's arms, not really bothering with the consequences of their action.

Sometimes such a connection is short-lived, leaving behind only pleasant or annoying memories. And sometimes it drags on, turning almost into a semblance of family relations. That is, a kind of surrogate for family relations, where a man plays the role of a coming husband. And a woman is the role of a temporary wife. And what happens? And it turns out that the “coming husband” is most often satisfied with this state of affairs. But the "temporary wife" - usually not. And let her swagger, assuring that nothing, they say, more is needed from a lover, except for sex, money, attention and so on. Nonsense. In the depths of her soul, a woman still dreams that he belongs only to her. Except when the young girl is kept by some rich nasty bloke. But that's another topic.

So what do we have in a relationship with a married man? And we have nothing but endless expectations, short-term meetings in secret, weekends and holidays alone. No, well, sometimes a lover will hammer a nail, fix a tap, move a cabinet. It seems like a man is present in the house now! But that is sometimes. And so more and more I have to do it myself or call someone. In general, unhappy circumstances. More precisely, not entirely funny. But, sad there, not sad, but you are still waiting for changes for the better, and you tell yourself that your beloved will certainly divorce and settle next to forever. Well, it just can't yet! The wife is sick, the children need a father, and in general all of them will disappear without such a reliable male shoulder. He says so.

In fact, all this ranting about a helpless wife and children is a banal excuse for married men who do not want to change anything in their lives. No, well, really, what else should they say? That the relationship with his wife is quite so nothing, that she regularly gets her own in bed, that the family hearth has long become habitual, and you don't want to change your habits at all? Of course not! Otherwise, you will run into a scandal with your mistress, and this is useless. There are enough conflicts both at home and at work. And here you need to rest.

In short, a relationship with a married man is not honey. A woman usually hopes for a good perspective of them, and if nothing changes for a long time, she begins to rush. She just doesn't know what to do. Break a relationship with your lover? It's not that easy. Tell your wife about everything? It's kind of ugly. Let it be as it is? But life goes on, it gets old ... How to be? How to behave so that he finally takes the plunge?

Indeed, what is the best way to behave in this case?

How to best deal with a married man

Frankly speaking, no matter what we think to ourselves and no matter how romanticized our relationships with married men, they need sex from their mistresses first of all. Well, who, having a wife, will voluntarily look for additional troubles on his head about arranging the life of another woman, or willingly undertake to solve her problems, not relying on sex? Is that a complete altruist or an overly noble person, and there are only a few of them in the whole world. So let's take a real look at things. Of course, a man can be in love, but at the same time he still needs cool sex. Otherwise, falling in love will quickly pass, and the married man will forget about our existence.

Therefore, we leave aside the phrase: “I don’t want today” and always meet the lover fully armed, burning with desire (or pretending to be burning). “Fully armed” means looking sexy, well-groomed and effective. Old comfortable jeans, faded dressing gowns, careless hairstyle, lack of makeup and other attributes of inner freedom - this is then, when the man leaves. He will see enough of this at home. We have to contrive every meeting, even if it happened suddenly, to be stunning. Moreover, it is desirable that the stunningness changed its elements, otherwise it will get used to it and stop paying attention. That is, we change our hairstyle, clothes, make-up method, and so on. You have to always be different and delightful. How? We fantasize, fantasize! Just be careful not to scare the man with a too aggressive, lustful look. Shish will appear later!

Of course, it is not easy to tie a person to oneself with one crazy sex. Nowadays, there are more than enough available women who masterfully master the intimate art. Take your pick - I don’t want to. He got enough of one, went to another. No, of course, there are men who prefer to deal with a regular partner. But still, the sexual attraction is too little to be sure that the lover will not go anywhere. Talking about how the husband left his family just because the other was in bed cooler is nonsense. Unless he has no children and a completely useless wife. Well, in this case, divorce is not a problem either. If the situation is different, the man will not go crazy because of great sex. You can get sex a couple of times a week, and devote the rest of the time to your spouse and children.

So, you need to give your lover something else. What? First of all, this is understanding. No, not the understanding at which we sigh sympathetically when he complains about a grumpy demanding spouse and a foolish boss. Let it be pronounced, this is useful, but you should not turn into a vest. Otherwise, instead of his beloved woman, he will one day see our mother in us. To understand a man means to share his interests at least in part. Then there will be common topics for conversation and some common goals. Is he interested in diving? Let's say that we would very much like to dive under the water at least once. Do you like to drive a car? We will ask you to learn how to drive cars. Loves to take pictures? We would like to inform you that a collection of unique photographs is our old dream. All this should be said with indescribable delight. Say, I finally found a like-minded person and a person who is able to teach what I have long dreamed of!

You shouldn't ignore such things. If we seriously want to hook up a lover, it is necessary to find spiritual points of contact. Firstly, it will make it possible to create not only co-relationship, but also a commonwealth. Secondly, it will allow you to communicate with him as often as possible, to walk somewhere together, to travel somewhere, to discuss something. Relationships that are mainly based on sex have little chance of developing. Sooner or later they will become insipid and die out. People also need to have joint affairs. Then the connection becomes not only more reliable, but also more interesting.

At the same time, sharing the interests of a lover, it is advisable to adhere to certain boundaries of communication. If, doing this or that business, spending too much time with him, the man will calm down and let everything go by itself. Why should he bother? Both the spouse and the mistress are nearby and will not go anywhere. This must not be allowed. Otherwise, we will remain the second wife in a small harem until the end of time. We must not forget about our own interests, regularly go somewhere, leave, disappear, without giving the lover in detail and not letting him control himself. We must have a private space where a man is not yet allowed to enter! Let him not think that we belong to him entirely. Is he going to his wife? Leaves. This means that the mistress has the right to walk wherever she pleases. And whoever you like, by the way.

No, if you intend to build a reliable relationship with a married man, you should not start serious affairs with others. Unless one of these "others" will cause serious feelings. Well, then the problem of relations with a married man will disappear. And when there are no feelings, it is better to just flirt a little in order to have fun and distract yourself. Double benefit. And the nerves will calm down, and the lover will be alarmed. Our men really do not like competitors in the sexual issue. So he will definitely not remain indifferent to the fact that his young lady has fans. And he will think about how easy it is to lose it.

Well, here are some of the basic tips on how to deal with a married friend. Now let's see what is undesirable for a woman to do in this case.

How not to behave with a married lover

It seems that what we talked about above is not at all something too abstruse. Everything is obvious and does not require deep thought. However, for some reason, most women who associate with married men behave differently. The result of such erroneous behavior is usually conflict, suffering, breakup, and other troubles. The reason for this is the actions that a lady cannot perform in such a relationship. What are these actions?

You cannot demand from a man that he divorce, and constantly interfere in his family relations. It is better not to touch upon the topic of these relations at all. If he himself begins to tell something about his wife, it would be more correct to listen silently, without expressing his opinion;
You can not frankly make an effort to advertise your connection, forcing your lover to appear together in society. If he wants the connection to remain secret, it must be so. The tongue is on the lock, otherwise a big scandal may happen, the consequences of which will be dire;
You can't be too annoying, call your lover if he doesn't ask for it, and constantly try to meet him somewhere. Better to let him call himself when he can, and appoint meetings himself;
You cannot beg for gifts and pull money out of a man. If he sees fit, he will make a gift and give money. There is no need to ask for it openly - it will decide that it is being used and will stop trusting it;
You can't blame a man for not showing up for a long time and throw tantrums on him. They do not go to their mistresses for another conflict. And if this is repeated, they are thrown;
You can't go into a relationship with your head, forgetting about yourself. We must always remember that he is not free, and therefore cannot yet become the meaning of life;
You can't try to bind a man to yourself by constantly asking for help in something, asking about where he was and what he did, and so on. This is an attempt on his freedom, which his wife must have been practicing forever;
It is impossible to repeat all the time about your great love and that life without a lover is impossible. This will not add to his determination to change something for the better.

Of course, everything that we talked about does not guarantee a happy future with a married man. To our great regret, the stronger sex treats ties on the side rather frivolously. While the behavior of the mistress suits, they willingly meet with her, sleep, communicate. And if it ceases to arrange, they disappear, saying goodbye: “You knew that I have a family, what are your complaints?”. No, not everything is so terrible, of course. It happens that they marry mistresses. But who can know if this will happen? Wouldn't it be better not to make your happiness dependent on a married man? Even if it turned out that he became loved, let everything go on as usual. And we will try to take it as calmly as possible. Time will put everything in its place.

Discussion 2

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At a young age, almost all girls dream of marriage with an ideal, loving and beloved man. However, having matured, we understand that life circumstances make their own adjustments to our plans and dreams, and it is possible that it is that long-awaited and only person who is already legally married. To agree to the role of the mistress of a married man or not is everyone's personal business. However, when building your romance with a non-free person, it is important to understand that these relationships are slightly different from those that our imagination draws. To understand what men are looking for in a novel on the side, psychologists conducted a mass survey and identified 10 signs of the ideal lover of a married man.

So, let's try to understand who is she - the ideal lover in the opinion of men?

1. She looks good

Many men begin to cheat on their wives because of dissatisfaction with their appearance. This is not surprising, because, unfortunately, women age earlier than men. However, in their mistresses, men want to see a living embodiment of their dreams. Regardless of natural external data, a lover should always look well-groomed, stylish and attractive.

2. She should be fun

Over the years of family life, spouses plunge headlong into everyday life, raising children and taking care of material well-being, while losing that aura of romance, lightness and fun that bound them at the beginning of the relationship. It is the lack of this link that often becomes the reason why men decide on a relationship with their mistress. Accordingly, in their chosen one, they want to see not a woman tired of life, but an easy muse, in whose arms one can forget about everyday worries.

3. She treats him like a hero

Few spouses manage to live their lives avoiding quarrels, conflicts and reproaches towards each other. Having lived together for several years, the wife, like no one else, knows all the weaknesses and shortcomings of her husband, while in the eyes of his mistress, a man becomes a hero and an ideal partner. It is this attitude, filled with romance, admiration and respect, that keeps married men around their mistresses.

4. She is self-sufficient and confident.

According to men, the ideal lover is a woman who loves and respects herself. In addition to a relationship with a non-free person, she has her own life, filled with various events, achievements and adventures. She does not put romance above all else, devoting a lot of time to her development and her hobbies.

5. She does not reproach or make scandals

In relationships on the side, men are looking for a holiday, ease and an opportunity to take a break from everyday worries. To maintain such a romance, you should not make any demands on your partner. And even more, there is no need to reproach him for a lack of attention, since these reproaches will make him feel guilty, and very soon the man will get tired of being torn between his family and his mistress.

6. She does not claim his freedom

Starting a relationship with a married man, initially a woman must understand that she cannot claim his entire life. This man has a family and daily duties associated with it, but when meeting with his mistress, he wants to forget about them. Therefore, any questions related to his family life, as well as plans for the future, will cause him unpleasant emotions.

7. She does not claim a joint future

Perhaps, in fact, everything is somewhat different and the mistress secretly hopes that sooner or later her partner will divorce her unloved wife and stay with her, but such thoughts in no case should be shown to a married man. A good lover should conduct a conversation without affecting plans for the future, as well as bypassing conversations about his family life.

8. She doesn't die of love

Of course, every man dreams of becoming an object of fiery and sincere love. However, young ladies who are too in love, ready to do anything for the sake of their loved one, are hardly suitable for the role of mistresses. The fact is that excessive falling in love on the part of his mistress will impose a burden of responsibility on the man, which he probably will not want to bear. Relationships of this format should be based on common sense. It is very good when both partners understand that their romance is based on mutual sympathy in the present, and its development in the future is not an obligatory goal.

9. She is outspoken and unpredictable

Another common reason men have mistresses is dissatisfaction in bed. Not all women are ready to experiment and embody their deepest fantasies in reality. However, excessive modesty is forgivable for the wife, but not for the mistress. A lady of the heart should bring a holiday to a man, surprising and striking the imagination.

10. She acts like his wife doesn't exist

Talking about family life, and especially about the spouse of a married man, should become taboo in a relationship. A good mistress should try to forget that her chosen one has a legal spouse. You can build relationships on passion, mutual hobbies and sympathy for each other, dissolving at the same time in momentary happiness and not looking into the future. And, of course, the ideal lover will never put an ultimatum in front of her partner - either me or she.

Married men want their romance to resemble a game with clearly established rules and laws, which develops in parallel with their family life and does not interfere with everyday life. But this game should bring joy to both players, so the relationship of this format should last as long as it suits the partners. In addition, even at the beginning of the novel, you need to accustom yourself to the idea that such a relationship very rarely has a perspective and the possibility of developing into something more than an ordinary intrigue. And even if an affair with a married person develops, this development will not be easy and painless.

What if you are a lover? Why do some enjoy love, while for others it is hellish torment? How to overcome dependence on a loved one? The famous psychoanalyst Natalya Tolstaya has collected answers to the most burning questions in her book.

... We are all half-hearted, and this is at the very least. Our character is divided into smaller quarters, eighths and so on and provides more and more facets for our loved ones to view. Hello geometers looking for a formula for love! But that's not the point. I am writing not for "plush toys", but for the reader - the interlocutor with whom I will share some thoughts on the topic of interpersonal relations.

All my acquaintances women believe that relationships on the side are good because, meeting for a short time, we expose that part of ourselves that our partner loved. Almost like the rules of etiquette, which read: "If you want to treat your partner with fruit, then he needs to offer the larger and better part without the pitted." But…

Why does he need it?

Scientists have come to the conclusion that a man who is not faithful to his wife is more likely to get sick and live less. But the stronger sex, apparently, does not listen to the Aesculapians, and explains their campaigns to the left with anything. I often have to listen to their explanations at receptions.

Using the state of being in love, a man overcomes the psychological crisis that has begun. Goes towards the heightened need for change. A novel is a great chance to change the monotony of everyday life, to turn from a family man and dad into a free and windy youth with changed standards and behavior.
He wants to supplant all doubts about his male solvency, he is looking for an opportunity to re-enable his entire arsenal of seduction and be fascinated by himself. The mistress will provide him with an interest in life, and he will love her - his life - again. And he also satisfies needs - emotional (to be desired) and sexual (feel delight or recover from impending impotence).
In the midst of complete life well-being and stability, he needs to create obstacles and inconveniences for himself, combined with pleasure, and satisfy the need to overcome difficulties. The mystery excites him no less than sex.
A lover is a great opportunity to manipulate time. Old age is suitable, and with a new woman you can return youth. Or you want to pleasantly kill time with youthful trepidation and ardor. He tends to believe that the best events in life are unplanned, so you should not expect that he will warn about his arrival. He is free, and what does he care about? He thinks about himself, catches up with his youth and revives. What have you got to do with it? Throw unwashed dishes and jump on the bed of love (otherwise he will change his mind)!
He is driven by the desire to revenge his wife for treason or for her being busy with herself and inattention to him. He, my dear fellow, by you increases his self-esteem and is psychologically compensated, because you create comfort and stimulate to life, magnifying and loving unselfishly.
With you, that is, on the side, he realizes his sexual dreams: he can engage in perversions such as "sado" or "maso", since it is impossible at home.
He is convinced of his exclusivity, craves admiration and scores points with friends, demonstrating success on the women's front. Sometimes a man gets a mistress just because all his friends have one.
Sometimes a mistress becomes a manifestation of a man's misogyny, since in life he seeks to humiliate, offend a woman. Cheating for such a man is a kind of aggression: so he hits two women in the psyche at once, and gets pleasure from it.
And a man can also be blissful when two women are fighting for him. He gets more pleasure from female rivalry than from the delights provided on the side.
He loves to compete and fight back. He will certainly begin to fight openly or secretly with a man who is next to the desired woman. As soon as he wins, the passion disappears.
He is attracted by an exciting struggle with his own delusional ideas and dreams (in this case, about his mistress). He needs memories of the pleasure after the meeting, in combination with a full bouquet of various problems, danger and difficulties turn into an extreme boring, calm family life.
He is a "faithful" husband with an impeccable reputation, he needs a ninja mistress who is not visible or audible to others. Find, simulate with her a bubble of happiness, in which they "love", because inside is beautiful and good! And on the outside he is white and fluffy again.

In general, if you understand that he is important in your relationship, you are relieved of the need to ask questions like "Why do you need me, dear ?!" You will be able to immediately give him what he needs. If you want, of course.

Why do you need it?

A woman goes to relationships outside the family, without giving out her love like alms. More often than not, she is looking for a winner. Or falls in love. Or having fun. Let's see how you motivate your betrayal to your husband (or yourself) or accept the courtship of someone else's husband.

You are busy, and you do not have the time, desire and energy to build complex interpersonal relationships, without which it is unthinkable to imagine a family.
Already "got married" and so far you are not burning with desire anymore. You consciously choose this role, because you don't need him as a husband.
It is pleasant to chat with him, it is wonderful in bed with him. Have something else in common - DOOKS! You decide when to date and when to be alone.
You think that there are enough men at work, and to associate life with any one is the same as clipping your own wings.
Modest family everyday life at home is replaced by a relationship with a beloved "avidly", in a strain. It's interesting after all.
This is a step of despair. She married a virgin, remained faithful, but every day I thought: "What if it's better with others?" At home, feelings have completely died out, and now a man has appeared who looks after and repeats about love. I took it and allowed myself.
You don't want to be alone, and therefore you are laying a solid foundation for future relationships. All the delights of living together in your marriage cannot outweigh the burden of difficulties. You would like to courageously end that very family life, but it's scary to go nowhere. You believe that a new man who has come into your life will bring big changes in your life. You are ready for divorce, you want to change hands as soon as possible.
With your husband, you are already dear people and you can fart in bed, but a man appeared out of dreams, and you are trying to see in your betrayal an opportunity to preserve the once united love, respect, a well-built life and common values by solving your sexual problems with a pleasant man appearance. Why nag a husband whose sex drive has decreased, if you can come home in a good mood, and not grimza without hope of satisfaction?
You are driven by the desire to become happy, even if it seems so, but you so want to jump out of the opinion that is created around you about a woman waking up in a cold bed and no one needs anyone!
You are married, and generally happy with life, but there is something wrong with the faithful in the sense of sex ... So, once a week sideways so as not to waste extra calories - here you are, treason! You act on the insistent recommendation of gynecologist Agrippina Zuzubailo, who claims that due to irregular sex life, gynecological problems often arise. Only you did not have enough of them! So you are being prevented.
He is the exact opposite of your husband in everything. That one refers to the fans of football and beer, united on the couch, and this one - Oh! It has an electric charge in several places and successfully taps with this current on your especially sensitive areas.
One cannot be calm with him. At home with your husband - sheer peace and grace, and with him you constantly make an effort, each time letting go to your wife. External obstacles and circumstances cannot in any way give you the opportunity to be together. And in your soul, as in the work of a poet-lyric poet, a constant anticipation of love reigns.
You are an expert in love over long distances, and he drifts on an ice floe for ten months out of twelve. Only calls, emails and SMS are frequent. Do not consider cheating on your husband an additional opportunity to learn from a completely different person that you are the best in the world. You are not averse to getting a "crown" on your head from the occasional man who can arrange a holiday for you.

My sweetheart! I am not criticizing you, because you run away from your husband not because you feel good with him. And the reasons for your own betrayal are also your own, and probably bitter. They say that you are afraid - do not do, but do - do not be afraid.